mommas truth

I need this today!

2012-02-22T08:22:00.000-08:00

Deliver me out of the saddness

Deliver me from all of the madness

Deliver me courage to guide me

Deliver me Your strength to guide me

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring

Deliver me giving and sharing

Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through

All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here

Now that I've found You

I know that You're the One to pull me through

Oh deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You

How I proved You o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus Precious Jesus

Deliver me

Come and pull me through

Come pull me through

growing

2012-02-19T06:19:00.000-08:00

            Most of us, as we grow, look to our past with longing hearts. Life as a single 21 year old, looks rather appealing to a stay at home mother of two, or the father that works 40 plus hours a week to come home to screaming kids, and a nagging wife, or the single mom, or father. Or really anyone. We look to our past as a time of sweet remembrance of freedom, and irresponsibility. We remember how great it was to be popular, good looking, funny, and the life to every party. Or at least I did.
           For a long time I was completely dissatisfied with the life I got. I looked back to high school and being twenty one with such longing it killed me. I couldn't picture my future, because I was wishing to be someone I used to be. I wasn't happy with responsibility, or being a wife forever. I didn't even really want to improve the life I was living, because I just wanted to go back to the life I had lived.
           I could see how lucky I should feel, but my heart never seemed to line up with my mind. I held onto the things that brought me back to that time, notes, gifts, memorabilia, and especially, music.
          I don't know about you, but I can listen to a certain song and it can take me back to a specific time period in my life, and for a brief moment, I can remember what it felt like to be that person. I could almost smell the air of the season that song reminded me of, and see so vividly the memory it sparked. I would get lost in music. And music has helped me through many things in my life.
          Blind Melon's "Change" Made me see how "if life is hard, you have to change" I remember hearing those lines, as if it were the first time and having the revelation of how true that was. That I was my very own enemy, and I sabotage myself. Or Lynard Skynard's Freebird. I remember driving down the road and that song came on, and I realized that the guy I was seeing was never going to change, he was going to always live his life, like he was missing something. He was always going to party, and I didn't want that for my life. So it was time to end our relationship, even though I loved him. Or listening to Rusted Root, can take me back to a concert I have been to where I felt so free, and pure, while I danced around and twirled like the free spirit, I thought I was! Jack Johnson reminds me of driving around Moraine Stat Park, checking out the scenery on a beautiful fall day. Or Chris Tomlin's Our God is Greater, reminds me of all the times I realized how true that statement is, and if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, than what could stand against?" I remember the laying in bed, sobbing because I never thought Husband was ever going to be saved and the devil was pushing me so hard, that I almost gave up, and then that song came on my mp3 player, and I sang it loud, through bursting sobs, and felt the empowerment of God! Or the time at Friday Night Fire, when I realized the power in those lines and what they really meant! That I can conquer anything, I never have to be afraid, because God is on my side! (Obviously I found practicing that a little more difficult! But it is coming!)
          Last night I was invited to go to a concert, that I would have really enjoyed a few years ago, but do to an impending migraine, I had to decline the invitation. Funny thing is, as soon as I told my friend, I didn't think I was going to make it, I started to feel better, right away. It occurred to me, that going to that concert, probably wouldn't have been as fun as it once was. I am not that person anymore. I don't really enjoy that music anymore. But it isn't really even about the music, the band, the people I would have seen. That part f my life is over. I am not the same person. I have grown up, I have changed. A good Saturday night to me is spending time with my kids, and thinking about my future! I am totally ok with letting that part of me go.. It took sometime to come to this point, but looking back, I am so glad I have. How can we ever be happy in our lives if we are constantly wishing we were somewhere else? If we are always looking behind us, we will NEVER be able to see where we are going. Some may call me lame, and that is ok. I am thirty years old, I am a mother, and a wife. I am a christian, and I spend my life now, trying to be pleasing to God. I can for the first time picture my future, and if that is boring, that;s ok with me. I have come to a point in my life, where I am glad to see the past in the past! I hope everyone gets to this place! And once again, I can attribute music, and God, to another memory and standpoint in my life. Only this time, it was not listening to the music that made the difference! By not going, I realized how happy and secure I am with my life and the person I am today!

sigh

2012-02-14T05:06:00.000-08:00

Today is more of a struggle. It took a lot of panic and praying to get out of bed this morning. I've never felt more alone. I know that I have all this love around me, but I feel trapped, like a prisoner to fear. It controls every move I make. I want this to be over so badly, I can't breath. I feel insane, and sick. I am so afraid to go to sleep at night, because then I have to wake up and face another day!
Today I have to leave the house. And be gone most of the day. I just want to crawl back into my bed, and have Husband hold me, and take care of me, and tell me, I never have to leave again. But I do.
You know when you are in a dark room after watching a scary movie, and you hear a noise? That feeling you get? That;s the best way I can describe, how I feel ALL the time. Before I eat, or sleep, or leave. While I am watching T.V. or reading. The only thing that brings any comfort is finding Bible verses that address fear, and strength, and peace, and worry.
I keep telling myself that this will be over soon, then I cry out to God to take it now! I can't handle it. Then I realize I am not supposed to be the one handling it. That I can hide in him.
It's a constant battle between me, Satan, me, and God, and me. I feel useless to everyone around me. Especially the kiddos. All I can do is pray that God will shield there hearts, so that they don't remember this time of struggle, and that it doesn't effect them in a negative way, and then I have to expect that he will honor that prayer!
I do feel Him in all of this. And I know that I am doing what He wants. I just wish it could be faster, and over. I just want to feel normal. But I have to keep pushing myself. And remember what he tells us to do. "Cast your cares unto the Lord and he will sustain you!" Psalm 55:22 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14 and I need to keep confessing with my mouth, what the end result is!
"I am free from fear. I am free from worries, and all anxiety. I can eat without fear. I am healthy and healed. My headaches and stomach troubles are gone. I am a better person, mother, friend, wife, daughter, and Christian. I laugh hard, and love harder. I am generous and free. I am closer to our Lord Jesus, and we have an amazing relationship. I am at peace, when people see me, they wonder what my secret is. I am God's light, bright and illuminating, ready to do His work, without any fear or reservations.
I kiss my children without panic of their germs. I hug them, only feeling their joy and love. I spend quality time with them, enjoying the little time I have with them as kids, instead of fearing what they may or may not have picked up, or feeling sick, because I am worried, and having to go to bed. I am free. I enjoy my Husband, and his company. I am one with God, and I feel His hand on everything I do. I hear Him without question, and I obey. I realize that this was never my battle because Jesus already won. He defeated Satan, and sin, and fear and illness, when he died on the cross for ME. When He rose again, for ME. He loves ME. He chose ME, and he answers ME! I have Jesus on my side, and nothing could defeat me. He i fighting this battle, and he picks me up BEFORE I fall!"
And I have to remember that "Those who sow in tears, will reap songs of joy!" Psalm 126:5
There WILL be lots of songs of joy!

2012-02-13T09:26:00.001-08:00

There was a time, not too far from now, when I thought my biggest sin to over come was gossip. Listening, spreading, talking negatively about people, complaining, etc. etc. etc... Recently I have discovered that my biggest sin to conquer is the sin of worry, anxiety, and fear. "that's not a sin" was my first reaction in the unveiling of my treachory. I can't help it. I was born a worrier. and it isn't even a big deal, who i am I hurting by worrying? I have always worried!
And that's true. For as long as my memory goes I worried. I worried about my parents, about my younger sister, I worried about nightmares, school, germs, other people, money, grades... Even more recently I worry about getting sick. No not terminal illness, though that is a concern, but it is vomiting, catching a cold... Just not feeling well. I am parlayzed by this fear.
I haven't eaten in weeks, which causes me not to feel well. I can't sleep, because I am too consumed with the fear of waking to get sick. I am actually AFRAID to eat, because it will make me sick. I don't want to make any commitments because I am afraid I will be sick that day. I don't want to leave the house, because I don't ant to get sick while I am out, and then be stuck in Walmart, with no way home. I am afraid to be alone, because if I get sick, I can't take care of my children, or myself. I have barely cleaned, or done laundry. I pretty much lay in bed, clutching my bible and crying.
Yesterday I even woke up and wasn't going to go to church. I didn't feel good, and was afraid. I don't even know of what at that point. Just afraid. But even in my haze I know that if you don't feel like going to church, that's when you should be there the most! SO I called my sweet niece because I knew she could talk me into going, and I dragged myself out of bed, and tried to eat. Though it took me an hour to finish a small apple, and a half an hour to get down a bowl of soup, I did eat something. I packed a few chamomile tea bags into my pocket and made my way to church with the kiddos. (Husband was already there, it was his first day as an usher! ;)) We pulled in, and I was feeling pretty good! The devil wasn't going to keep me from church that was for sure! And as I walked in, I was consumed with fear, and feelings of depression. And then the tears came.
Of course my tears were welcomed with sympathetic hugs, and love, but I feel stupid. Husband found me and kissed me, and told me he was glad I was here! And held me for a bit. The Pastor showed me bible scriptures, and friends held me up, and I saw God's love, and his strength in the people I call family!
When church was over, i finally did eat, and went home.I was exhausted from crying, and not sleeping and I just wanted to lay down. Husband curled up beside me, and told me that he was going to be there for me. He was sorry for all the times he wasn't there for me, but he is taking this as a lesson for him too. He is going to be there, and we are going to be closer, and that he wants me to be the man God wants him to be, the man I NEED him to be!
Now if I have to be real, and I promised I would be. Husband hasn't really been there for me, and him even saying it, meant a lot, but he has been trying to help. So it is a big deal. I went to bed feeling pretty good....
Then the morning came. My stomach began to hurt and I panicked. The rest of this day can be better said in an email I sent to a dear friend of mine

I have to admit that I am really struggling, and I keep going back to the verse that says "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

I say that over and over again, while I pull myself out of bed. Through all of this, a few good things have happened. I'm only 7 lbs away from my goal weight, lol. I quit drinking coffee, because I was worried it would be too hard on my belly! And I know that when this is over, SOON, that my life and my families life is going to be amazing. My tears are going to turn into songs of joy. There has been a lot of tears, and I EXPECT even more joy!

I don't know why I laid all that on you. I guess because you listened.... Once again, I don't think I was in charge of the typing. I am not used to talking about things, like this. Not really. Complaining, I'm good at that, but this is different. I guess God is preparing me for all sorts of things. I can see that this is bringing Greg and I closer. That it is putting Him into a stronger role as leader. I only hope that when it gets hard for him he finds help and support and strength that he needs. I know that I will be able to help my children, and other children deal with their fears, and worries. I know that Jesus and I are going to be closer than we ever were before. I know that this battle, is going to be won, because Jesus is in me, and he already won when he rose from the grave! "If our God is for us (me) than what could ever stop us (me). And if our God is with us (me, than what could stand against?"

Thanks You, even if you don't care, or want to hear about it, thanks for doing it anyways. I think this is going to open a lot of friendships for me too. I guess its good to look vulnerable, sometimes. See, I am learning a lot already! Praise God! I don't think this is going to last for years, because I don't fight with God often. I want more than anything to please him, and I am willing to do whatever he wants me to do! I fell him, even in this. I know he is here, spreading his love on me, no matter what the devil tries to tell me. I feel his love and his security, and each day gets a little easier.... I even vacuumed the floor today, and did a load of laundry. That's the first time in a long time! It sounds dumb, but it was so empowering. I guess because I know that with God, I can do it. I can over come, and I know, I have always known that He will never give me more than I can handle. This time I need to do it in His strength, not my own! It's going to be good. I do know that much!

Point is, what I am going through his horrible, I can't even pretend it isn't, but I know that I am going to make it. That I can make it with His strength. It is time for me to let go, and let him take control! And I realize that this battle has already been won. And that as long as I can hide myself in our Lord and savior, I will be fine! He is the greatest armor, I will ever need!

I hope that any one who might be struggling, remembers these things, and in my struggles I will continue to remember these. Even if every morning starts out, my days get better and easier. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I am giving that worry to God. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34.

But for today, I am going to cast my cares on the Lord. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

Leave comments please

2012-02-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

Recently Husband and I had a conversation about how to improve our marriage, and what we needed from each other. I told him that I think it is very important to find out not only who we are as individuals in Christ, but who we are meant to be in our marriage. At a quick glance, it looks like an unfair match, and the husbands win. There are many woman, I( think it is safe to say, most woman) Who have a real issue with the idea of "submitting to your husband" So many people take these verses out of context, and use it in evil ways. What my goal is here, today, is to learn what YOU think submitting to your husband means. What does it mean to you, and your marriage? Of course, all sexes, and marital statuses are welcome! I would truly appreciate it if you left comments on this post for all to see! And it would help me continue my journey, personally, to becoming a better person, wife, and mother! Thank you! update on comments. I guess it is not so easy to leave any comments, so if you would like to help me, and give me a piece of your advice. Feel free to send me an email. You can email me at EGToner@zoominternet.net. Thank you! And God Bless

2012-02-08T06:01:00.001-08:00

BAby blues????????

2012-02-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

When Husband and I met, I was 21, almost 22, I had five nephews, and I was an amazing Aunt. And to be perfectly honest, that's all I ever wanted to be. I was happy working and spoiling those kids. But Husband talked nonstop about having babies of his own.
Husband and I met in January, and by June we were pregnant. This is not the way I recommend doing things, especially at such a young age. We barely knew each other realistically, and now we were bringing another person into our mess.
Both living at home we decided to get an apartment together, and we soon moved in. Things got terrible, and though I don't want to go into specifics, because that is not actually what this post is about, I have to say, I was stuck in an awful situation and felt like there was no way out. I had made the decision, whether by accident or not, I chose to have this baby with this man, I barely knew. Don't get me wrong, I loved Husband, or at least what I thought I knew of him, but it got difficult fast!
In nine months I had lost my self, my body, my mind, and my world to this growing child inside of me. I didn't feel excited, or proud, I just wanted him out, so I could be me again!
The story of Sweet Faces birth is irrelevant, but if you want to read about it, it is on a earlier post. The time I spent after he was born is what matters. When he was born he had extra fluid in his lungs and I couldn't see him for eight hours after giving birth. A nurse had shown me a photo, and he was the scariest thing I had ever seen. At 6lbs 7 oz, and 22 inches long, he had no fat what so ever, not even a but, and his eyes took up three fourths of his face, and they were black. He was covered in dark thick hair, and just wasn't all that cute!
When I finally did get to hold him the first time, I remember thinking that I loved him, and it was neat that I gave birth, but there was NO connection. I was by no means IN love with him, and I began to feel guilty.
Any of you parents out there know that babies are hard enough to take care of, with all the crying, and pooping and eating, and not sleeping unless you are awake, imagine doing that and not being in love. It quickly turned into post partum depression.
Husband was no help, and didn't even seem like he was interested in this baby at all, and I was stuck with him, every single second of every single day. I hadn't showered in what felt like weeks, because I didn't know what to do with him, I was SO tired, and I just wanted his real mom to come and pick him up, because I couldn't take it anymore.
That was when I started drinking. (Don't worry, I had already quit trying to breast feed, and did carry some guilt for that as well) I would wake up in the morning, take care of Sweet face; feed him, change him, dress him, and then I would make myself a drink. I don't remember ever get drunk, just stayed buzzed throughout the day. I guess to cope. I spent everyday like that for about two, maybe three weeks, when I realized I was doing the very thing, I swore I would NEVER. I wasn't being a good mother, I was barely living, and Husband, was just making things worse. So I packed up all of our stuff, and moved in with my mother, and stopped drinking.
It was then that I truly realized what was going on. I contemplated very seriously, giving Sweet Face up for adoption. His dad, was a loser who refused to stop partying, and I didn't have a job, or a degree, and wasn't even sure I loved him enough, and was coming to understand that I couldn't give this sweet boy the life that he deserved. Sometimes being a good parent, is admitting that you can be the kind of parent that innocent child needs or deserves, and you have to make the right choice to let someone else have the chance.
I felt hopeless, and tired, and I wanted someone to love him right. Someone who could take care of him. I loved him enough to want that. I knew that I loved him, I just didn't really like him, and I didn't want him to grow up like that. I have seen what that can do to people, and I wanted to make the right decision for him.
Someone very close tome, had given up a child for adoption, and I had grown up seeing the pain and anguish that can cause. I didn't want that for myself, so I talked to that person about it, and made my decision. Of course I decided to keep Sweet Face. I thought that if I got help for my post partum, maybe things would be different, and I at least owed it to him to try it.
By God's grace, and I do believe that is what it was, the next time I had to feed Sweet Face, I picked him up , and stared at him. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the very love I had been missing. I realized that I was here on this earth to bring this wonderful person into the world, and it was then I realized how special he was! After that, I had spent everyday falling deeper and deeper in love with this boy. My life became so consumed by him, that it brinked
And almost seven years later, I am still obsessed with that sweet boy. There hasn't been a single day that I regretted my decision to keep him. He is smart, and beautiful. He has the kindest heart I have ever known, and even in all the struggles we have had to face with him, and his health, and dyslexia, and bad teeth, and any other problems, is all worth it. I feel completely blessed to just know this kid, let alone to have him as a part of my life! But I am so HONORED that God chose me to be his momma!
Post partum depression is a real and serious problem, and I got lucky! Some women have gotten so bad that they have hurt their children, or worse. It isn't a joke, and it doesn't make you bad mother. What does make a difference is whether you admit it, and get help for it, determines what kind of parent you are. It's a common problem, and there is help out there. What I did forget to mention was that, though I started to fall in love with my Sweet Face, I still got help! I took anti depressants until I felt better, and got counseling. Th fact that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel better, so that I could be the parent he deserved is what made me a good parent. Feeling that way didn't determine my ability, making the right choices for him did!
If you or someone you know is struggling with post partum depression or depression of any sort, I urge you to get help, and if you ever need someone to talk to, stranger or not. I am open to that! There is a national website on PPD at http://www.postpartum.net 1*800*944*4PPD.
I hope this helps, any of you! Please know that you are not alone! Good luck, God Bless, and know that you are loved!

I was a freak before, might as well be a JESUS Freak!

2012-01-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

It wasn't long ago, when I felt like most people. Annoyed by the many "bible pushers" out there. I truly didn't understand why they were so pumped up, and every time one of them would start to witness or minister to me, I would roll my eyes and tune them out! "What makes her think she is better than me?" Or "Don't you think you are getting a little carried away?" Were constant thoughts every time I was faced one of these people.
I have even seen people close to me declare their love to the Lord, and give Him so much credit, and thought they must have had their minds altered in some sort of cult! Weak minded people! I constantly thought they were judging me, or telling me that the way I lived wasn't good enough! I justified my actions and my life with ignorant notions.
"God doesn't care if I am having sex with my boyfriend, because we love each other, or I believe Jesus is my savior, back off." And the thought of listening to Christian music..HA!
Get real. I had a "REAL" life, I don't need that! I honestly put my own spin on the "biblical laws" in order to fit my sinful life!
Looking back on that life, I have to laugh. Who was I really fooling? Not even myself.... truly. Honestly, I think most of us can't stand "bible thumpers" due to our own convictions. I mean if you don't believe in God, isn't because you want to live a certain way without consequences? And that might work for THIS lifetime, but good luck to you on the next! (Look, here I am preaching! sorry!)
Until recently, I did think people, "in love with Christ" were weird and carried away, but now I realize, that it isn't about being judgemental, at least not for me. Once I started to understand the truth in Lord, and see what I could be, what life was meant to become, I just had to share the news with everyone I came across. When I go to the store, I a dying for someone to approach me, and mention Christianity or God. I just want to reach out to everyone who might be hurting, and say, "You can find comfort, the most amazing comfort in God.. Jesus died so that you don't have to live like this. YOU CAN BE FREE!" I don't want to judge what you are doing, I want you to feel as good as I do!
I can't speak for every radical Christian out here, but I know that all I want is to be to others, what i have gotten from my Christian family. Understanding, and solace. I have received God's grace, and have had my eyes opened! I want everyone to feel that, I want everyone to have a personal relationship.
So when you think to yourself, "Liz is so annoying with all of her God hoopla." remember that it was only a year ago, the only thing getting me out of bed, was the duty I felt to care for my children, and now I get up to rejoice in God's love, and to show my children and the others in around what God's love can be. I smile so often, and laugh harder than I have in years! I just want to spend eternity with you on my side!

Letters to the beyond

2012-01-26T11:10:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I have spent the last 29 years fighting with you, resisting you and your love. As a child I could feel your arms around me every time my mother smiled, kissed me, or comforted me, but I also saw how close the devil could get to me while I felt the neglect of my father, on my heart.

I've seen the world swallow amazing people too young, and instead of leaning on You, Lord God, I found comfort in drugs or alcohol, in poetry, music, or bad influences, and spent too much time wallowing in my despair.

When I got to experience the miracle of motherhood I complained, felt resentful, and empty, instead of taking the opportunity of basking in your grace and glory. Instead of showing Your amazing love to my children.

You showed me the man that You chose for me, and I had the audacity to say it wasn't good enough, by being unforgiving and holding onto every wrong doing, and I chose to walk with only my emotions, never really thinking much about his. When you showed me what he and I could be together, I rejected to image, and held on tighter to my bitterness, and resentments.

I've spent too long not being thankful, but dissatisfied with the mediocrity of the life you had planned for me.

But now, here I am Father, four days shy of 30, and I am fully ready to surrender my ALL to you. Not just to make you number one in my life, but to GIVE my life to you. I am ready and willing to love everyone, especially the wonderful man, children, and family, that you have put into my life, according to YOUR law. I want to forgive, and heal not only my wounds, but the wounds of others. I am ready, to show my gratitude towards you , and everything you have given me; in the past, now, and for everything I am blessed to receive in the future. I am going to walk in faith, and fearlessly and be your light in such a dark world.

Here I am Lord, thanking you for never letting me go, for teaching me to love better than I could imagine, for showing me how to be loved, for continually blessing me even though I was so far from you. I am giving up my life, my control, and I want... I need you to take it over. From this day forward I am committing myself to doing your will, no matter what that may mean; to having faith that it'll be for the better, and being thankful for your faithfulness, and to show you the same love and respect, and faith that you have shown me.

I have finally realized that this life isn't about me, or what I want or what I think or even feel. This life is about preparing for eternity and helping others see your glory, along the way.

Yours Truly,

Liz

Why does bad stuff always happen to me?

2012-01-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

In the olden days, if a Shepard had a lamb or sheep, (doesn't sheep sound plural?) that kept straying from the herd, he would brake the animals legs, and carry it around his neck. He didn't necessarily so this to be cruel, there was a lesson involved for the mischievous lamb. The Shepard would carry the lamb wherever he went for as long as it took for the lamb's legs to heal, that way when the Shepard would release the lamb, it would be so used to being the the Shepard that it never strayed away again! Remind you of anyone?
I have spent so many days and nights wondering, why me? Why would God let this happen, why does everything always have to be a struggle, everything in my life is so hard! Mind you, I think a lot of our struggles happen because we aren't doing what we are supposed to. Why are your finances screwed up? Because you screwed them, and so forth! And sometimes I think it is the enemy trying to keep us down. What better way to keep you from the Lord, then to remove all of your hope. Yet, once you reach your absolute bottom, who is that we usually look to? We find ourselves searching for God at our weakest, and he graciously accepts us, with open arms. It's like the footprints in the sand:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

He carries us, just like the lamb through our hardships, while we are wounded. That way when we are healed and complete, it is easier for us to remember what he did from us. We no longer want to stray from Him.

Though, having your "legs broken" is never pleasant, sometimes God lets bad things happen, because that is the only way He can reach you! He spends so much time stretching out His hand, just hoping you'll grab on, and sometimes, pain, is the only way! I know that when I found God, I mean REALLY found Him, I was in a dark place, and now that I am well, I will not forget Him, I will do His will, no matter how it makes me feel. And hopefully, I won't have to be broken again!

"Try Jesus, Satan will always take you back!"

2012-01-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

A recent discussion with a friend, who is not as positive about being a Christian as I am, had me thinking. We were talking about my recent discovery in what really serving the Lord added to life, and she said very honestly that, one of the reason's she isn't ready to submit, is that she doesn't want to give up her current lifestyle! As I really started to meditate on this, not only do I understand her reaction, but I started to wonder, "What do we give up in life, as Christians?"
I think there are a lot of people who have the same reaction as my friend. In fact, more than once I have heard someone say something like that! "If I want to drink a beer or two, why should I feel guilty!" "I don't want to have to say sorry every time I swear!" Etc... Etc... And though I do think that as Christians we do give up some things, or should, as the Holy Spirit prompts us, but what we gain is so much more!
What is going out and getting drunk doing FOR us? What is swearing, and speaking negatively doing FOR you? Or having promiscuous sex, or sex without marriage. Don't all of these things in our lives ultimately make us feel bad about ourselves? I have been there. Living in sin, not wanting to change where I was at.
At 21, I met Husband, in a bar, and yes, I was VERY drunk! Husband and I fell in love quickly, and I remember thinking if I loved the person I was sleeping with, God wouldn't mind if we weren't married. After six months of knowing each other, we were pregnant with Sweet Face, and living together. After Sweet Face was born Husband kept insisting we get married, but I resisted. "Why fix what isn't broken?" But eventually I gave in! (The truth is he wouldn't give me another baby, unless we were married, so we got married... Yet another wrong way to go into a marriage) The day of my wedding, I remember standing in front of the door to walk down the aisle. My heart pounding, and palms sweaty, I was waiting for someone to tell me to run. I knew we shouldn't get married, our relationship was not in a good place, and I thought if someone else would say it, maybe it was more than cold feet. But no one even whispered any doubt to me, and I eventually made it down the aisle, all the while thinking, "I can always get divorced!"
In our marriage and our lives Husband and I have lost ourselves to anger, we swear, we fought, we got drunk, we lusted after others, I didn't respect him as a husband, I loathed my life, and the whole time, I felt like there was something missing , that I would spend eternity looking for! And none of the sin, I was creating or taking part of, was filling that void, it just seemed to make it bigger!
I look back on that life, and it feels like someone else's. Since being saved, I have given things up. I don't swear, (at least hardly ever). I try to be positive in my speaking and my attitude. I kick the negative feelings out, declaring my new thoughts! I don't drink, because for me, I have a hard time doing that, and keeping my Christian face on. I try to respect my husband, and treat him as a Godly wife should. I apologize when the Holy Spirit tells me to, whether or not I want to. I've even tried to stop over eating, and taking care of my bodily temple. I stay up late to read my bible and spend time with God. I may have given up some instant gratifications, but I truly believe the rewards, though may be slower, are worth the sacrifice. And once again, as we talk about sacrifice, I have to point out, that God sacrificed His ONLY son. Could any of you parents, imagine doing that? Knowing that He is to be killed, and tortured, and having to watch it, and do it anyways. Jesus sacrificed His life. And though he was raised from the dead, He still had to endure the pain, and rejection. How many of us avoid even being friends with someone, or starting a new relationship in order to prevent rejection or pain? And as we meditate on what was sacrificed for us, doesn't it make sense to at the very least sacrifice things, that weren't even good for you to begin with, in order to be closer to our Creator, and Savior?
And let me just say that since, letting go of these worldly desires, my life has been filled with so much more. I no longer crave something to fill me. I live in harmony with myself and Husband. (For the most part) I am joyous most of my days, and feel the Lord's love all day everyday. I see things clearer, and enjoy my blessings more. I have even discovered what I am supposed to do with my life, and now have future goals! I am no longer searching for something, because I have found what I was looking for. And the very best part? I know where I am spending eternity! I can't imagine hell is good... I mean take all of your pain and suffering that you have endured through out your life, multiply it about ten million, and you still aren't even close to what hell feels like.... Forever! It makes me excited that I don't ever have to see that!
I read this bumper sticker once, and immediately thought it was great: "Try Jesus, Satan will always take you back!" A little sacrifice in this life, doesn't seem so bad, when compared to eternity!

Check up please!

2012-01-17T16:20:00.000-08:00

Today I had my first doctor's appointment with my new PCP. I wasn't going to go, because, well, I get nervous, and don't like to talk about stuff in fear I look stupid or pathetic! I also am afraid that a new doctor might think I am a hypochondriac and not take me seriously! But I went. I wasn't impressed with the interior of the office. It looked old, and rundown, and to be perfectly honest a little shady. But I had heard so many wonderful things about my potential new doctor, so I stayed, with high expectations!
I went over my ridiculous family history, early heart disease, cancer, fibromyalgia, lupus, celiac disease, neropothy, diabetes, addiction, depression, epilepsy, etc. etc, and saw the shock on the nurse's face, then my personal history, of stomach issues, migraines, insomnia, lower back pain, neck pain, legs, and feet pain, constipation with frequent diarrhea (It's like an oxymoron) blah, blah, blah. Of course I am pretty sure they think I am a freak, and let me point out real quick, because they deserve some props, Sweet Face, and Peanut, both attended this two hour long appointment, and were so well behaved, I am still astounded. I never had to yell at them, not even once. I am very proud at how great those two are!
Anyways, after talking to my doctor for awhile, he looks over old blood test results from my previous doctor, and informs me that, I have low B12, my good cholesterol is too low, and my bad cholesterol is too high, and no one ever bothered to tell me! Forgetting the problems that any of those factors could cause, I feel absolutely betrayed and neglected by my previous doctor's. These are people that we as patients entrust with our well being and lives! IT is absolutely ridiculous, that I wasn't informed, and made aware of how to improve those things. I am totally flabbergasted!
Disappointed, don't you owe it to your patients to care about them, isn't that part of some oath? And on an even more personal level, it does make me feel like I don't matter. Another person in my life, making feel inadequate!
The good news is new Doc, ordered up lots of tests, gave me a new med to try for my migraines, (With samples so I am not wasting money on something that might not help) and already scheduled a follow up appointment. This guy has done more for me in the first two hours of meeting him, than the old Dr, has done for me in the last three years of seeing him! And he is a christian to boot. I am feeling excited and confident that things are about to take a turn, for the better! 2012 is going to be awesome for my health! Praise God

Being really real..... for real

2012-01-12T06:34:00.000-08:00

After receiving catastrophic family news last night (I would love to share the details, but they are NOT really details of mine to share, sorry) I seem to be struggling. I prayed hard all evening yesterday, that God's plan would somehow be revealed, or that we would just know that what is best is going to happen. Sometimes you don't get the answers you are looking for but have to step out in faith anyway. And sometimes it isn't easy, especially when you have to fight your feelings.
When you really study Christianity, it is often said that you need to ignore your feelings and go by what you know through the word of God. I have heard it over and over again, and thought I really understood, until day! I think it is so hard to do that, when your feelings and your faith, are SCREAMING completely opposite ideals. Not to mention all of the in between stuff. When your emotions are involved, how do you know when you are hearing from God? It can all be so confusing, and exhausting.
I spent much of the night on the phone with my mom, assuring her that God had a plan, and that we had to trust Him, even though it seemed wrong to us. That even though we feel like we know what the best thing is, and that logically it makes sense, and in that aspect, we are probably right, God's logic is different and we must believe that it is all part of a plan. That it is going to end brilliantly, if we listen to His guidance! And as I lay down to go to sleep, I believed all that I had said. Obviously from the bible we know that God does lots of things that defies all logic, like burning bushes, staffs turning into sticks, rivers of blood, raising men from the dead, pregnant virgins, and so forth... So we have to put our faith in Him.
Then the nightmares came. A horrible, horrible dream about my mother. And any of you who might know me personally, knows that my mother, is my absolute best friend. She knows things about me, most mom's don't know about their daughters, and vice versa. I am very close to her, and I don't know what my life would be without her. She is amazing....
Anyways, in the dream we were talking on the phone, not about anything serious, actually, I seemed to be at my dad's house or something, we were talking about sled riding, and then I had asked her what a "guidance ring" was. And she just sat there. I said, "Mom are you there?" and she grunted, "yeah" Then I asked if she was alright, and she just grunted again. So then I said, "Well do you know what that is? A guidance ring?" And nothing. I didn't hear anything! My heart began to race, I started to panic. "Mom?" no answer. And then all of a sudden I could hear grunting, of some sort, and shuffling. Like things were being thrown or falling. And I fell to my knees. I am on the phone screaming for my mother to answer, and I yell for Husband. "Call 911, I think my mom is having a stroke!" I start to leave to go to her and... I wake up!
Just thinking about that dream again, makes my heart beat a little faster. And yes, I have been waiting all morning to hear her voice after she wakes up.
So I have been feeling uneasy, a little cranky, and angry at the situation at hand. I know that I should be praying and asking God for comfort and guidance. I know that I should be hopeful, "You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness, O God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth." -Psalm 65:5 (NIV)
But my feelings tell me I am angry, and worried. I know that I should be happy for the day, and that God is always faithful, and I know he has a plan. I am learning much today about putting your faith first, regardless to your "feelings". But it's a struggle right now. I guess I will be walking around sighting scripture, using my authority, and trying NOT to be angry, and try to remember Isaiah 45:5-7- "I am the Lord, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is non besides me. I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things." T remember that everything is under God's control!
I will keep praying!

Writings... on the wall..? :)

2012-01-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, without any exaggerating, I wanted to be a writer. Even as a two year old, I would spend hours scribbling wiggly marks on lines of paper. I love every aspect of writing. The creating, the actual writing. From the time I could put sentences to together I've written short stories, poems, a journal, and even stabbed at a few novels. I love to write, and to read. Words were my life. Paper... Oh the wonder of it. I could look at a blank piece of paper and feel excited for what was about to come. Every empty page, being a way to start new, fresh. The intoxicating smell of brand new paper, and the opening of a new journal. There are times I write aimlessly about nothing, because I am so close to the end of one journal, and get so excited to start a new one! I love to think of things to say, to write them down, to go over it and write it in a better way. I love the idea that someday any of my writings could help someone with their struggles, be it big or little. I have fantasized about some young girl, finding my journals and reading them, and finally believing that she is not alone in the world, that someone made it through to have a better life. I think for a long time I kept my journals, and continued to write them, because I had wished someone had left something like that for me as a lost teenager.
Even into adulthood, I continued to keep a journal. I wrote poems for my great loves, (Which is pretty much anyone I know. I fall in love with people fast and hard, and that love rarely ever dissipates, I carry it forever! That is just who I am!) until becoming a mother. Completely focused on being the best mother, wife, I could be I slowly lost my self, and everything that made me, me. I still wrote briefly in my journal from time to time. But not anywhere close to enough, and I don't know when the last time I wrote a poem, or a creative short story. (In the eight years I have been with Husband, I have written three journals, aside from the last year, which I have written four.) I could remember what it was like to be me, but that's all it really was... a faint memory. And with that loss, I also lost my inspiration, almost my ability to write. I'd take a stab at it every so often, but always felt like there was so much room for improvement. I had nothing to say. Or should I say, I lost my ability to find the right words. I felt like a stranger to my longtime best friend. Paper
When I was saved last year, I began writing more and more often in journals. I started slowly. A prayer hear, and taking notes there, then I started writing my stories, or I guess what would be my testimonies, and then one day I woke up and thought, I should start bogging again. I only started blogging to get back into writing. I just thought if I could do something, that was just being mother or wife, it would help me find a sense of me. I am not delusional enough to think my writing is amazing, or that it is changing lives across the globe, but I do know, that it is already changing mine, and maybe that is enough.
I know that writing this blog is part of God's plan. He has anointed so much of my writing I realize it was really never about me, but glorifying Him, in a way I really know how. I might not be a genius with words, but I do know how to get my point across in a relatable way! And God wants to use that! But He also, wants me to feel like I am someone other Liz the mom, Or Liz, Husband's wife. I am Liz, the writer, and while I fumble with a lot of my words, this blog gives me the opportunity to improve my skills, and there is a chance, that somewhere along the way it will help at least, one person feel like their life is not so lonely, or dare I say, find their way to God. And that is enough for me! It would be nice if someday my blog lead me to some sort of career, or amazing opportunity, but realistically, I don't think that is part of the plan, but who knows, I have no idea what God has planned for me. I just do what I am told, one day at a time!
So I thank any readers out there, for stopping at this page, while I trip on my words, and topics. For giving my rambles the opportunity to make sense! I love you peeps! And I want you to know that there is a plan for YOU! Thank you again, and God Bless!

NICE

2012-01-10T05:18:00.000-08:00

There is nothing more attractive than a man praying, let alone a group of men holding hands, praying, and doing it openly. And it warms my heart that some of these particular men are steelers, makes you proud of "Steeler Nation" YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CH-ch-ch-changes!

2012-01-09T16:39:00.001-08:00

"I find myself longing for more out of my life. There is an empty gap staring at me through out my entire day. I can usually keep the blackness if it at bay by keeping myself busy. Running errands, kissing the kids, shopping, and more recently, and more often, eating. Then night falls and I put off going to bed at night for as long as possible by cleaning, or watching T.V. until until I can no longer hold open my eyes. Then I go... I lay there and get so overwhelmed with emptiness, and unfullfillment that I can't sleep at all.

My soul is crying out in desperation. It yearns for something more than being a mother, a wife, daughter, or friend. In all of those titles, not one actually describes who I am, just what. I'm lost in a sea of should be's. I am doggy paddling as who i am supposed to be, just barely passing through the massive waters.

There was once a time when I swam with forceful, confident strokes, now I am constantly gaping for air. Most of the time the water is so far above my head, I just want to give up...

How did I get so lost and incomplete?

I do love my life, or at least I know I should! I have wonderful children, who give me more love, and patience, and caring that I could ever ask for. An amazing husband that works hard to give me everything I need and want, both emotionally, and financially. I have good friends, and great family, yet I feel the constant presence of my empty loneliness. I don't understand it, nor how to change. I have come to realize that I can't do it on my own, that I have to turn it over to a higher power, and ask God for help... That's all I can do!"

That was a post I had written more than a year ago. December 5, 2010, If I remember correctly. I don't often think of that time in my life. At least not if I can help it. It was a horrible time, filled with desperation, and loss. I was truly searching for something that was going to fill the emptiness inside of me. I knew that I was blessed, and I had so many things in my life that other people have only dreamt about, but I couldn't help the sorrow. I was seriously searching for something; for some sort of answers.

It wasn't until my niece, My Spiritual Rock, was in pre- term labor, and we were at a hospital an hour away from home, that I finally found what it was I didn't know I was looking for. We were talking about her new found faith, her "bible pushing" attitude, and how I wasn't interested. I believed Jesus was my savior, and that was good enough for me. Then she asked me, in what I thought was an unrelated way, if I ever wanted more than the life I had. If I ever felt like I was missing something. "Every day of my life I wake up empty, and I lay back down, and pray that God shows me something. I have no idea what to do with my life, but I feel like I am supposed to do something more." With eyes full of pity, she said she had the perfect book for me. Someone had given it to her, but she never got around to reading it, and heard that it filled that purpose. Ironically, it was called The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren.

It's a book that you read one chapter a day, for forty days. You make a commitment to read it everyday, with an open heart. Ready to receive the word of God. This book literally changed my life! I realized shortly what life was really meant to be. We were put here, to love God, to serve Him, and to become like Christ. That it really isn't about THIS life, but This life is about preparing for the next one. I came to understand that the church I was going to for the past six years, wasn't filling me the way I need, and that I hadn't gained any fellowship.... Of any sort, and I learned that you need other Christians to challenge you, to love you, to guide you, and to challenge, love, and guide them in return!

It wasn't long after that, that I started attending the church I presently go to. I realized I wasn't as great of a Christian as I thought I was, and I am not even sure I was ever truly saved, but I was eventually born again. And though I can not say that this HUGE transformation occurred right away, I have been changed. It has been slow, and it hasn't been easy, but through listening to God, and obeying Him, reading the Word, and turning my life into something I could represent Him in, I have found my hope. I realize that God's love is never ending, it never fails, it never gives up... "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

I think it is important to not only look at this verse, and apply it to your everyday life. Your love with your spouse, or your love with your kids. The love we feel for our friends, siblings, aunt, uncles, even strangers that we are required to love, (biblically speaking) But this verse is so much more powerful when we look at it from God's point of view. This is not only the way we ought to love one another, but this is a testimony of God's love for us!

When I realized all of this, and that there really was a plan for my life, I started slowly transforming. I love harder, I forgive easier. I have humbled myself repeatedly by apologizing to people, I would NEVER want to apologize to. And I wake up more often happy and content, than I do not. And when I begin thinking I need more, I remember that I am where God wants me to be right now, I am doing what He wants me to do right now, I am WHO He wants me to be, RIGHT NOW. I'm sure that everyday is not going to be joyous, I am human, but I can take solace in knowing that, when I wake up angry, and discontent, when I act ungraciously, or ungrateful, my Rock was sent here and sacrificed so that I can be forgiven and free from all of my discrepancies. And that with each repentance I can start a new day, a new hour, or a new minute. All I have to do is pray, and He will take care of me, remove my sorrow, and shower me in His love. As long as I keep doing what I am He wants me to do, right now!

So much sorrow

2012-01-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, a friend of mine lost her child. Her two month old daughter. She was a young, first time mother, who wanted so much to prove that she could be an amazing one. I personally have no doubts that she did everything she could for her baby girl, but the Lord had another plan. I'm not sure if faced with the same sort of position that I could find much comfort in the thoughts that, she is with the Lord. That there will be no more suffering, and maybe she had to go early, so she didn't have to face a long life of illness. I'm not sure after losing a child there is anything one could say to really bring comfort, at all.

They had a viewing for her. A great friend, Husband and I attended, and before entering we prayed together, that we could be God's light in such a dark time. That we could bring some sort of comfort, in a horrible situation, and we prayed for strength. I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit as I was getting out of the car, and thought that I was really prepared for what was in store. But as I entered the funeral home, I was literally paralyzed in fear, and grief. My skin began to get flushed and blotchy, and my heart raced while my palms sweat. I started to cry, and wasn't sure I could go in any further. My friend smiled, and sort of pushed me along, and as I was sitting there, waiting to see our friend who bared this loss, I started repeating in my thoughts, "I can do anything with Christ's help. With God I am ok. I have the Lord on my side, " and so forth. I could feel the courage and strength engulf me. I stood up to hold onto Husband, and noticed the teeny baby in the open casket. My heart sank, and my eyes filled with tears, as I stared at Husband, who seemed to be struggling as much as I was. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the longing to go home and be with my babies.

Eventually we made our way to see the grieving parents, and it was such a whirlwind of emotions. A group of people hugging and crying for the loss of a precious baby. For the loss the parents felt. For the time they didn't get to have loving that little child. For the fears of her mother, and the emptiness of their hearts. We cried for our own families, and longed for our children, and I think most of the parents there, were thankful that they got another day with their children.

In my short lifetime, I have seen many kinds of death. Cancer, heart disease, Teenagers, the old. Suicide, and car accidents. Sweet Face even said something about never crying when people pass, I am almost numb, and truly believe that it is a part of life, that we must all get comfortable with, but not this time.

This time, it was hard, and uncomfortable, and it left with me with a sense of sorrow, and gratitude. My mixed emotions are a whirlwind, and I long to reach out to our friend, and hold her, and comfort her, but when I try no comforting words seem to come. I want her to know that she was a good mom, that she is a good person, and that she will be blessed and get another chance. I want to stretch my arms out to her, and tell her that God is there, waiting to take it all from her. I pray that this situation brings her closer to Him, and not further. I want something to bring her some sort of comfort, and I want her to heal well.

I woke up this morning, thankful that I have kids today. I have thanked God every five minutes for the extra days, and for the time already spent with my children, and loved ones. I have held Peanut as many times as she has asked. I kiss her a thousand times, and I am waiting for Sweet Face to come home so I can hold him on my lap. I am not afraid of losing my children, because I know that God is with them, and me, but I Still realize it is a possibility, and I realize how lucky I am to have the time I have. I am thankful, for one more day of hugs, and smiles. One more day of laughter, and funny stories. I am thankful even for another day of tears. I am thankful that they are healthy, and actually feel sorrow of any complaints I have had about them, ever. I want to lay on the couch and cuddle them. I almost kept Sweet Face home from school today, but even though a little soul is gone, the world still goes on. I encourage all who read this. Take extra time to spend with your children, your loved ones. Kiss them a few times more, hold them in your arms a little longer, memorize their precious faces, and make lasting memories. Thank God for all the beautiful time you have spent with them, giving and receiving their love. And thank him each and every day for the extra time He gives you!

Revelations!

2012-01-04T06:50:00.000-08:00

Revelations.... Not the book, but the ones that God keeps giving me!

One of my New Year's resolutions was to read a chapter a day of the Bible. Last night as I am reading John, Chapter 8. I think about how awful things had to have been for Jesus. He not only was tormented for who he was, and for what he believed in, but he knew it was all coming.
The minute he met Judas, he knew he was going to betray him in a way that would ultimately cause his death! And yet, Jesus not only befriended him, but made him a disciple. Someone who was very close! He walked into those cities, knowing that he was to be beaten, and spit on, and later killed. To bleed to death. And he did it all in faith.
AS I really meditate on all of this, it comes to me, not only should our goals in life be to be more Christ like in the fact that he was perfect. He lived without sin. Think about that! Without sin. That means never lying, never taking something that he shouldn't have, never swearing, or bad mouthing someone else. He never even complained, never got drunk. Could you imagine living without ANY sin? I can't? I try hard, but so often my human nature, my "EVE" nature wins, and I give into the sin in my life. And because Jesus sacrificed himself knowingly that it was coming, and that I didn't deserve it, I can be forgiven for ALL of my transgressions, so that one day I Can go be with Him in heaven, and spend eternity partying with my creator, and my savior! Pretty Awesome!
And if that wasn't enough, Jesus gives us something so much more. A perfect example of what faith is. Of what it means to walk in it, and to walk in love. Jesus sacrificed his life, his well-being, his comfort, his friendship, his love, knowing what was in store. He continued to forgive, and to love, he healed sinners, and performed miracles for people who didn't even believe in Him. He baptized us, and rose loved ones from the dead, and even after doing this, he was betrayed, not just by Judas, but by mankind. He was made fun of, mocked as they put a crown of thorns on him, bared him of his clothes, and forced him to kneel. He carried his cross, the very thing he was to bleed to death on, on barefoot, to his final place of death. The pain and the agony he must have felt as they drove nails into his wrists, his feet, and then hung by them. And he did it all in faith. Never complaining, never backing down. How many of us second guess God when told to forgive someone who has wronged us, or apologize to someone we have wronged?
The depths of what Jesus really did for us, are never ending. Like the waters of life that he lets flow into our hearts. Not only did he give us the amazing gifts of life, of healing, forgiveness, and eternity, but he also gave us an amazing inspiration, and the perfect example of what it means to walk in Faith, and Love.
Thank you Jesus Christ for saving me from my sins, from transgressions, from myself, and from the Enemy. Thank you for sharing the Word, and enduring so much horribleness, for someone as undeserving of me. Thank you for giving me forgiveness, and showing me what it means to follow you, to strive to be more "Christ-like" Thank you Lord Jesus for your everlasting grace, and for always being faithful! In Jesus' marvelous name... Amen!

http://youtu.be/-BetW_6vtNU Do yourself a favor, watch this video, and then take some time for just you and Him, and truly repent, and thank Jesus for all he has done! All the wonderful blessings he has given you!

Physical Abuse

2012-01-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It includes assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint.

Who are the perpetrators?

Perpetrators may be acquaintances, sons, daughters, grandchildren, or others. Physical abuse that is perpetrated by spouses or intimate partners in order to gain power and control over the victim is described in the section on domestic violence. Perpetrators are likely to be unmarried, to live with their victims, and to be unemployed. Some perpetrators have alcohol or substance abuse problems. Some are caregivers for those they abuse.

Who is at risk?

As a group, victims of physical abuse do not differ significantly from seniors who are not abused.

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that abuse has occurred. Physical indicators may include injuries or bruises, while behavioral indicators are ways victims and abusers act or interact with each other. Many of the indicators listed below can be explained by other causes (e.g. a bruise may be the result of an accidental fall) and no single indicator can be taken as conclusive proof. Rather, one should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem.

Physical indicators

Sprains, dislocations, fractures, or broken bones
Burns from cigarettes, appliances, or hot water
Abrasions on arms, legs, or torso that resemble rope or strap marks
Internal injuries evidenced by pain, difficulty with normal functioning of organs, and bleeding from body orifices
Bruises. The following types of bruises are rarely accidental:
Bilateral bruising to the arms (may indicate that the person has been shaken, grabbed, or restrained)
Bilateral bruising of the inner thighs (may indicate sexual abuse)
"Wrap around" bruises that encircle an older person's arms, legs, or torso (may indicate that the person has been physically restrained)
Multicolored bruises (indicating that they were sustained over time)
Injuries healing through "secondary intention" (indicating that they did not receive appropriate care)
Signs of traumatic hair and tooth loss
Behavioral indicators

Injuries are unexplained or explanations are implausible (they do not "fit" with the injuries observed)
Family members provide different explanations of how injuries were sustained
A history of similar injuries, and/or numerous or suspicious hospitalizations
Victims are brought to different medical facilities for treatment to prevent medical practitioners from observing a pattern of abuse
Delay between onset of injury and seeking medical care

If you or someone you know is abused or in danger please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

All information on this post was taken from http://www.preventelderabuse.org

Financial Abuse

2011-12-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

Most people do not consider being abused unless it is physical or sexual, but there does not need to be onle verbal, physiacal, or sexual abuse. These types are easier to spot, and should result in both parties getting professional help, but there is more ways to control another person or to be controlled.
There is another kind of abuse that can happen but id ofeten ignored because no physical harm is involved. Financial Abuse, aka Economic Abuse, or Economic Domination.
This type of abuse is often placed on a back burner behind the more aggressive abuses, but can still be just as emotionally devestating.
Signs of Economic Abuse

* Telling one partner to quit their job, and stay home to take care of the kids, or to be a homemaker.
(Though this can be a sign, it is not always a case of abuse. Obviously I stay home, but no one is trying to control me. If you are demanded to quit your job, rather than discussed it and came up with this answer as something better for the family, it can just be normal!)

*Confiscating a partners assets and other financial resources and FORBIDDING that person from handling money or making any money that the abuser does not approve.

*Using the partners financial assets to their own advantage and depriving the abused their rights to enjoy financially and rightfully theirs.

*Taking away all credit cards or debit cards and providing ONLY a sufficient amount of money to pay for the day-to-day expenses. (Or less)

This abuse could still happen when both parties work and the abuser takes control of ALL money and does not give the abused an oppurtunity to make any financial decisions.

Remember being abused in NOTHING to be ashamed of and you can get help. If you or someone you know is being abused or need help because they can't stop abusing please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Emotional Abuse

2011-12-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

Emotional Abuse is any kind of abuse that is NOT physical. Verbal abuse falls in this category. It also includes constant criticism, or less the less obvious; intimidation, manipulation, or the refusal to NEVER be pleased.
Emotional Abuse wears away the victim's self esteem, confidence, self worth, and makes them question their own thoughts, perceptions. Emotional abuse causes deep wounds that can last far longer than thought.
Emotional abuse generally takes three kinds of form; aggressing, denying, and minimizing.
Aggressing:
*Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening and ordering. Name-calling seems easy, any words used to hurt your feeling when talking about you, is name-calling. EX: "You are such a butt face!" Accusing is to put blame, or fault onto another person where there isn't any. Blaming the victim for the offender's behavior, "It is your fault I act like this. Why do you make me do these things?" etc. Threatening, is to hang over dangerously, or to announce what is coming. Remember that sentence; what is coming! Often we make empty threats, but abusers usually mean what they say, and use threats in order to instill fear into the victim. The more afraid the abused is, the better control the abuser has over them! Even if it is simply fear of the other leaving!
Ordering, would be one person demanding things from the other. Requiring the other to meet the abusers high standards. If the orders aren't meant there is usually a price to pay. Whether it be yelling, or belittling or physical or sexual abuse, there will be a punishment.
*Aggressive abuse also comes in a less direst abuse. It can be disguised as "helping" and put into criticism, advise, solutions, analyzing, or probing. Sometimes it is a sincere attempt to help. However in some instances these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, judge, control or demean the other, in order to gain a sense of control.
Denying:
*Invalidating: is to take away the importance of something, (like an argument) Ex: Abused: "Why would you say something like to me, I love you!"Abuser: "I never said that, what are you talking about?"
*Withholding: refusing to listen, communicate, or withdrawing emotionally, as a punishment. Also known as "the silent treatment."
*Countering is denying the victim as an individual and refuses to acknoweldge the other person isn't an extension of themselves. Therefore, not accepting to believe there could be another opinion, feelings, or viewpoints.

Minimizing:
*Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. Doesn't exactly deny that a situation occurred, but question the recipient's emotional response. EX: "Quit crying, you are such a baby!" "Oh crying again?" "You're blowing this out of rorportion!" Implying the feelings or perception at hand is faulty or not trustworthy.
*Trivializing is to make something less important than it actually is.
*Denying and Minimizing can ultimately end in the question of ones self. Making it harder to make good decisions, because you are constantly questioning your own thoughts, reactions, and emotions. Therefore making you more dependable on the abuser!

Individuals who were abused as children more than not, enter abusive relationships, either as the abused or the abuser. Because you grew up listening to emotional and verbal abuse, it could feel normal or even comfortable, although it is destructive.
Recipients of abuse often struggle with powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. And most of the time the abuser is struggling with the same feelings, and learn to be abusive as a way of coping with the feelings of inadequacies. Which allows him or her to take control of their feelings.
If this sounds familiar to you or someone you know there is help. There is help out there for the abused, for the abusers, and for friends and family of the abused. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
And be safe!

Abuse

2011-12-15T07:22:00.000-08:00

I want to a minute to dedicate my blog to becoming more aware of the abuse out there! Signs, and even symptoms of those who are being abused. How to tell if you are beiing abused, and what to do if you suspect yourself of or someone you love is being abused.
Most of us, do not even want to think about it. It is a scary thought and so many of us feel like if we don't acknowledge it, or think about it, it won't happen to us, or we won't ever have to deal with it. But it is real, and there are so many people becoming victims everyday. Some of these stories end well, with inspiring tales that make us feel like we can accomplish anything, but most of the tieme, these stories end fatally. There are no "happy" endings with abuse. It is something that effects us for years.
Being abused, and even loving a victim, can leave damaging scars for a lifetime. It is important recognize the different types, the signs, and it is important to be supportive to the ones we love who are enduring this, and to escape it if it is happening. THis is a serious epedemic, that is sweeping the world! If we can't stop it, let's at least educate ourselves!
This is a topic I feel very strongly about. It effects me in many ways. I have experienced different types of abuse throughout my lifetime, I have witnessed abuse of loved ones. I have also been saved from it, Offered help, and survived. I am luck that I have never feared for my life, or the life of a loved one as a result of my abuse, but none the less, they are memories that will haunt forever! So let's learn what we can!
There are so many types of abuse, I want to list them all. Verbal, Emotional, Financial, Sexual, Physical. Child Abuse, can come in many forms as well; emotional, neglect, physical, and sexual abuse as well.
First I want to talk about verbal abuse. It's like the gateway abuse. That's how it starts, in both cases, most of the time!
Verbal Abuse: (also known as reviling or bullying)is best described as a negative defining statement told to you or about you; or by withholding any response thus defining the target as non-existant. If the abuser doesn't immediately apologize and rarely indulge in a defining statement, the relationship may be a verbally abusive one. cite: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" 1992, 1996, 2010 by Patricia Evans
Verbal Abuse, the most common form of abuse can happen anywhere, school, home, work, at the grocery store, while driving. (Road rage!)and isn't taken seriously enough! Insults, countering, withholding, name calling, and abusive anger or belittling can be detrimental to a person and his or her self esteem. Chances are all of us have been a victim of verbal abuse, and most of the time we recover. But hearing the same things no matter how positive of a self image we have in the start, begins to wear you down emotionally. If you hear how fat you are day after day, you start to think that you are fat. Or stupid, or to blame. "You can't do better than me!" "You are ugly!" "You are a B***, and no one would put up with you!" When the verbal abuse begins to change your perception of yourself or the things around it is time to put an end to it. (Really, it shouldn't be tolerated in any form, EVER! Relationships should have mutual respect, love and care. No one should be trying to hurt the other, even with words!)
Sometimes verbal abuse comes in threats. Threats of divorce, followed with "You could never live without me!" Threats, and insults usually go hand in hand! Verbal abuse effects everyone. When fathers verbally abuse the mother, the children grow up thinking its ok to treat someone or be treated that way! It leads to depression, anxiety, and fear. It lessons our self worth, and can lead to drug addiction and worse. Stop it, if you are being verbally abused or see someone who is, get help. If you are guilty of doing it, get help.
Sometimes it is easier to say what you are thinking, or when you are hurting, it can feel so good to hurt someone else, with your words. It seems harmless, because after all, no one is getting hurt physically, but the wounds verbal abuse leave take much longer to heal, and can be the beginning of a downward spiral in life! If you were verbally abused, break the cycle, make a difference, and don't continue the tradition! Each individual deserves to be treated with love, and respect.
If you or someone you know is being abused you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Be safe!

Beautiful

2011-12-14T04:04:00.001-08:00

Like a single raindrop
Resting on a petal
The purple haze
From a spring sunset
I feel beautiful
Beautiful
Because of the way he looks at me
Beautiful
With every touch I feel
Beautiful
With every tingle
Like a child's first step
Into his mother's arms
Every kiss
Amazing as the first
And I still feel beautiful

Better late then never!

2011-12-12T06:22:00.000-08:00

I sort of missed my Peanut's birthday tribute the other day, when I wrote about my "revelation" So to make it up. I just want to post the lyrics to a song, I have been singing to her since birth! This one is for you Peanut. I love you so much, and my world would be dull and boring without you. Even though you are "spirited" you are one of the greatest things to happen to me, and you brought our family together, making us a true family. I am proud to say, that you are my daughter! You are strong, kind, loving, sweet, smart, funny, and beautiful. I love you baby!

Angel, by Jack Johnson

"I've got an angel, she doesn't where any wings.

She wears a heart that could melt my own,

she wears a smile that could make me want to sing!

She gives me presents with her presence alone.

She gives me everything I could wish for,

she gives kisses on the lips just for coming home.

She can make angels. I've seen it with my own eyes!

But you got to be careful when you got good love,

cause then angels will just keep on multiplying!

But your so busy changing the world.

Just one smile and you could change all of mine!

We share the same soul! Oh, oh,oh, oh.

We share the same soul. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Share the same soul! Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh"

I love you Peanut!

Awesome!

2011-12-10T05:41:00.000-08:00

I know I said this blog would be real. That it would show my real emotions and I would be 100% honest all of the time. And lately all of my posts are positive and full of energy, and I have to say, it's because that;s how I feel. I am so lucky to be alive. I don't mean living and breathing air, but truly alive. I feel like my soul is on fire today! My soul is on fire! And the only excuse I have is to admit the amazing blessings and the awesome way God is working in my life! God is real, and he loves us. He wants us to be closer. He loves us the way we are. He sees all the things we do. WE can't hide from him. Even the things you do in secret, the most horrible things you could do, he wants to forgive you for it! He wants to hold you in his arms, and say," I love you, and of course I forgive you!" But he is a gentleman, and he isn't going to push himself on you. He is waiting for you to come to him. TO open your arms, and your mind, and soften your hearts, and say, "Lord God, I know that I am a sinner, I know that I don't deserve you, but I am sorry! I know that you the Lord Jesus has died on the cross, and with that, he took away all my sin, all my disease, in order to make me whole. He rose on the third day, to claim his thrown, proving he is the messiah. I love you Jesus. I want you in my heart, I long for your arms around my, for you ultimate power. I long for you to be my best friend, and I want your forgiveness. I am sorry for the things I do, that act out against you. I'm sorry for my sin. I want to take my life, and give it all to you Lord. You can have ALL of me, and I want the fire burning in me, that only you can give! I love you Lord Jesus, and I thank you for saving me from the Enemy, and from myself! From here on end, I want to live, truly live! In Jesus Name, Amen!"

It was nine months ago, I had said a similar prayer, and my entire life has changed. I'm not walking around on cloud nine all the time, But I should be! When I think about what He has done for us, how can you not be excited?

I had always had God in my life, he gave me the amazing ability to see something positive in the most horrible situations. I knew Jesus was my savior, and I had lots of love! I went to church, and I tried to be a good person. Honest, caring, generous, and loving. At least I thought I was. I thought I was a good christian. But every time I heard the call, to raise my hand and ask Jesus into my life, I would wonder, if I needed to. I was never sure I was going to heaven. "How do you know if you are truly saved?" I asked myself. I walked out of church with a better understanding, and sometimes I even thought, that I heard something I should change about myself.

However, I had never read the bible, and the one time I tried, I got nothing out of it. I could have been reading Korean. I wasn't learning how to live right. God was there, but I never KNEW him! I couldn't stand "bible pushers". I thought they got a little too carried away! I mean I really thought if Jesus died for my sins, and I would be forgiven no matter, then what was the big deal? I guess what I didn't realize was, you have to ask for forgiveness, and mean it! You have to try to stop sinning, because if you know God, really know God, you don't want to sin!

I find my life being consumed by God. It is what I wake up thinking about, I go to bed thanking him. I pray in the shower, while I do dishes or run my errands. He comes up in every conversation, and I smile when I think about how awesome his love is for me! It's like falling in love, except I expect this feeling to last, as long as I keep it alive! I talk about him like he is in the room, and I want EVERYONE to feel how amazing it feels to have an honest relationship with our creator.

Last night during our churches, "Friday Night Fire" I had this insane revelation. While singing Chris Tomlins, "Our God is Greater" I realized I have nothing to fear! "And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" What could stand against me , if I have our maker, the creator of ALL things in me? What could ever hold me down, why should I ever be afraid?

Don't get me wrong. Being free from fear doesn't mean being free from common sense or caution. God gave us the ability to be mart and use reason, and we should. Just because I have God on my side, doesn't mean I should put myself in dangerous situations!

But for the first time in my life, I actually feel free. I have spent my whole, almost 30 years, trapped in my bondage of fear. Fear of getting sick, fear of disaster. Fear of the dark, deer, disappointment, germs, fear of divorce, fear of failure, fear of poverty, fear to let myself look weak, fear of something happening to me preventing me from caring for my children, fear of commitment, fear of rejection, Fear of love, fear of being disliked, the paralyzing fear that something would happen to my kids, fear of thunderstorms, the list goes on and on. And today I feel so light. Last night I truly let go, and gave my life to God!

I am sure I will still struggle with some fear, but I will continually remind myself that I don't need fear, I can let go of anxiety, I am a child of God, I picture Jesus on the cross, and my sin, my fear, my illness, whatever I am struggling with, leaving as Jesus' blood washes it away. I don't need anger or fear or resentment, I only need love. I give what I am getting. Love!

My Marriage

2011-12-08T05:05:00.000-08:00

When Swwet Face was about a year old, I had decided I wanted another baby. I thought he needed a sibling to play with, and it would help make him a little more adjusted to the real world. But Husband refused and insisted we shouldn't have anymore children out of wedlock. For awhile I figured I could talk him into it, but he meant business.

One day a good friend of mine's grandmother diedm and for some reason she had nothing to be buried in, so we went ot the local Goodwill to seek out a dress. While looking, I happened to notice this huge, white, ruffly, wedding dress. It had fabric everywhere, long sleeves and a mock neckline. I looked at Assie and said, "I need to try this on" And it fit as if it were made for me! I put a call into my mother to see what she thought, and we decided to buy that $80 wedding dress.

By the time Husband came home, I had a wedding date planned in three months, at the church where we had both been baptized. The date was three months away from then, and though my parents wanted me to wait I was determined to make it work. I informed Husband of our nuptial date, time, and location, and he just smirked and said, "whatever>" (He later told me, that after asking for three years he never thought I Was REALLY going to go through with it.)

Tons of planning and money saving ideas were to follow. People made promises that were never kept, and then we had even more last minute things to change. I was told at one point, that Halmune, (My husband's grandmother) would make the bridesmaid dresses, and then a month before the wedding she decided she wasn't, so we had to find a place that could rush an order of bridesmaid dresses in a month. During this time I also had ripped apart my dress and added this straps.

The night before the wedding at the rehearsal, there was a fight. And I cancelled the wedding. The details aren't that important, mostly because I don't want to offend anyone that might (doubtfully) read this someday! But I had enough. It wasn't really anything Husband had done, but I didn't want to deal with my in laws treating me like a second class citizen forever. Before meeting Husband I have never seen a family quite like there's before, and at this point I wasn't sure I wanted to be anymore part of it, as I already was.

However, my two married older cousins, insisted it was nerves, and that everyone felt this way the day before. I responded that maybe they shouldn't have gotten married either. But eventually the show did go on! But not with out it's drama.

Now, I don't want to get into many details of the wedding because that actually is NOT the point I am trying to make here. But the wedding day came, and though a little excited I was more afraid. I felt in my gut that this was a huge mistake, and I had that feeling since the three month time frame started. I was waiting for someone to tell me it was ok not to go through with it. That I Was crazy if I married him. ANYTHING! We had so many problems, and getting married wasn't going to fix any, just make it worse. What was I dong? So standing in front to the doors to the room I was about to face my soon to be Husband, I started to panic. Dressed, hair done an looking fabulous, I thought I might vomit. I wanted to run out. I probably would have if I hadn't known that my little Sweet Face wasn't standing in there waiting. I looked at my mom, and said, "Do you think this is a mistake?" She shrugged her shoulders, opened the door, and said, "You can always get divorced!" And started down the aisle.

At the time, that was what I needed to hear. I relaxed, was relieved and thought about those words. "i can always get divorced. If this is horrible, I can just leave."

The nuptials were fine, and Sweet Face joined the ceremony halfway through. I don't remember what I actually said as wedding vowels, I guess because I don't think I meant them, not deep down. The reception was almost a disaster, but that is a story for another time! But Husband and I left, relaxed and married.

But I kept that, "I can just get divorced" attitude in my marriage for a long time. We had so many problems for the first two years. Problems that should have been avoided. And most of the time I wasn't doing anything wrong, but when I finally realized that my attitude was what would make the difference. I wasn't serious about it. And it showed. I was NOT in my marriage until death do us part. I was not in my marriage for the long haul. I wasn't willing to do what it takes to make it work, because I didn't think I was the problem. If Husband did something I didn't like I left. I could not see our marriage working any longer than two years.

It wasn't until I really took the time and realized how awful my attitude was, that things began to change for the better. I had to realize that I, not anyone else, but I made a commitment to Husband, I made a promise to God, and my children, that I was going to do whatever it takes to make it work, and I owed it to them to keep that promise. It was hard to let go of my independence or my bad attitude, but it was worth it!

Husband and I made it married five years this year. We didn't do anything big or fancy to celebrate, but we knew how big of a deal it was. Five years, and for the first time we both feel like we are going to make it. We can picture our future together! I don't know how Husband really felt on our wedding day, but I did not take it seriously. And we are talking about renewing our vowels for that reason! "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protect, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 " And now these three remain:faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

If I had gone into my marriage with these verses in mind, maybe it wouldn't have been such a struggle. And this is something, I have to remind myself of daily. Husband and I have out a lot of work into our family, marriage, home, and there is lots more to be done. But equipped with God and his word it becomes easier to face!

Parents!

2011-12-05T09:54:00.001-08:00

When Sweet Face was in womb, I vowed to never be the type of parent that later looked back on the way they raised their child with regret. SO often I have heard people say that they never regretted the dishes in the sink, or not vacuuming the floor, but what they did regret in their lives was not spending enough time with their kids.

How many times have I walked into a house and wondered in amazement at the mother that kept the house clean, baked cookies, ran errands, did the laundry, cooked dinner, and kept the husband loved on. That woman still amazes me, but in most cases (not all, but most) the one thing not being taken care of is the emotional needs of that woman's child. Maybe it isn't enough to notice, or to worry about, but either way that child isn't getting the attention, love and affection that he or she deserves.

When Sweet Face was born I tolerated so many insults about my housekeeping, and I just laughed it off. I didn't mind because I figured that would never be a real regret of mine. Sweet Face got all the Momma time he needed. If I was doing the dishes or laundry, I stopped to dance, to play, to laugh or to love. We spent time together, painting, singing songs, or even watch a movie together. We played games and laughed. We played outside and went for walks, even if the house was a mess. I was certain that even though I wasn't a great housekeeper, I was an AWESOME mother.

But the older my children get, and the older I get, I find that I am so concerned with keeping up with appearances of our home, that I am losing sight of what is really important, and that is how my family feels. Husband included! What I should be concerned with is how loved they all feel.

Just watching, actually watching, that movie with Peanut last night, I realized just how long it has been since I have REALLY taken the time to enjoy her, I know that we are together every single day of my life, all day long, but most of our days are filled with, "Stop whining, don't fight with your brother, pick that up, this house is not your personal garbage can, I am not your slave, I'm trying to clean, Peanut" and on and on.

I suppose this is my revelation, I truly miss my kids, my family. I miss their twinkles, their little laughs, enjoying their hugs, and holding their hands, and the time I used to spend with them.

I'll be the first to admit, and maybe it makes me sound awful, but I am only being honest. It is hard to love your children unconditionally ALL the time. Letting go of all the annoying things they do, their whiny voices, or the lollipops stuck in the carpet, the hand print you have to wash off the wall, or for those of you with young boys, the pee on the toilet seat, but as parents we were entrusted with these amazing and precious little people. And don't we owe to them to give them the devoting attention and everlasting love that they give us? It's so easy to complain about all the work, and ignore them while doing it. It's easy to say, "I will play with her when this is done." But let's face it parents; it is NEVER done! But they will grow up some day, and sooner rather than later, and they won't want your attention. I don't want to regret that. I don't want my memories to be of the times I didn't have enough time for my kids. We love our children, and none of us ever want to make them feel bad, not really, so let's make a little more time. Those dishes will be there, those little eyes and cute smile, and soft hands, aren't always going to be reaching out!

Bambi!

2011-12-05T04:49:00.000-08:00

Last night I curled into bed to watch a "secret" movie with the cutest girl I know, and I found myself inspired. It is not everyday I find such inspiration in animated films, but something has turned in me I guess! With that I said, I want to point out all the the little trials in the movie and Bambi, and hope that you too get inspired!

Here is this little bambino (wonder if that is where Bambi actually gets his name?_ just learning about life, and at the look of every positive thing comes a life changing event. In most instances a traumatic life changing event to say the least.

We are first introduced to Bambi as the newborn "little prince" of the forest. At first his only lesson is trying to learn about the world and walk and talk, while being teased by the other young forest animals. But Bambi works hard and perseveres, not only walking, but running and running, and talking like a champ! His second life lesson is soon to follow in...... The meadow. Where Bambi is taught that there are other deer in the forest, and that there is much to fear in the world. (Of course they are referring to man!)

He them goes through each of the changing seasons, and finds, like most of us that snow and winter are only fun for a short time and that it takes too long to go away! He learns about being hungry, (We call it poverty) and just when they find some hope in new spring grass found in a small melted patch of snow, his mother is shot and killed by a hunter. (Puts new perspective on hunting season doesn't it?) Being left to be raised by a father he didn't really know!

Alas when spring comes Bambi is transformed into a young stallion of a buck, and "gets twitterpated" (aka falls in love) by his childhood chum Faline. However just as quickly as she bats those gorgeous doe eyes at him another bucks runs into the picture and tries to dominate his woman. Bambi is taken back and isn't sure what to do while his young love is calling out his name. Suddenly anger turns Bambi's face, and Bambi after getting roughed for a bit, conquers the other male and wins his lady as a prize. Love is tough!

Bambi and his blushing bride (or at least I hope, because what is that saying to our younger generation, lol) begin to settle in a very cozy looking thicket, when Bambi notices something in the forest isn't right, and goes looking. Of course, the hunters are back and this time with many more. Bambi;s father says come with me and tries to keep his son from danger, but Bambi realizes he has left Faline, and goes to find her. On his mission he finds Faline trapped on a high rick by several highly trained hunting dogs, and Bambi finds himself having to fight once again for his fair maiden. He takes on multiple ferocious dogs, and finds an escape route for sweet Faline, and then tries to run himself. Just as he gets away a gunshot goes off, and Bambi falls to the ground. All the while the forest is catching fire!

Bambi's father comes and fores Bambi up. "This isn't time to be a sissy, Bambi!" ( He doesn't really say that, but it was there!) And somehow the two of them together escape the forest fire. and meet the rest of the forest critters, and of course Faline. Sweet, defenseless Faline. (Every man's dream, right?)

After all is said and done, Bambi has to face one more monumental challenge of all. Faline has given birth to twin fawns, YIKES! Good luck Bambi.

And all the while Bambi never gives up, he never complains, or whines, "why me? My life sucks!" A true inspiration.

So with my coffee cup hi, I would like to raise a toast inspired by you, Bambi. May you always walk with grace, and never ever complain, even as the hits keep coming!

Thank you Bambi, for putting my life into perspective!

OH Sunday

2011-12-04T09:49:00.001-08:00

It's funny how when at church, there is so much hope in your heart. Piling your family into your car, and you find your soul at peace. Hopefully that is what you feel after leaving your church. This morning I woke up feeling amazing, I was so excited to get to church, to worship and praise my all the time good God. I get there, and I warmly welcomed by many friendly faces, that genuinely seem to really be glad to see me there. I start off singing with my hands in the air, and my heart softened and my heart open, and then a rumble in my stomach. "You've got to be kidding me!" I rush to the bathroom and hope it will be just a quick toot, or if I empty my bladder, it relieve the pressure! So I clean up and walk back to the sermon. I start to sing again, and more rumbles, I try to ignore them. Then as we greet one another, I am overwhelmed with a sudden flash of heat... "Oh no, I am going to explode!" I lean over to Husband and say, "I am going to the bathroom, I don't know if I am ever coming back out." And I run, tears in my eyes. Of course I see the same person I saw the first time I went to the bathroom and I can feel the blood boil into my face. "Are you ok?" He asks. Embarrassed I simply smirk and shrug. Once in the tiny stall made for kids (because our church doesn't have it's own building, and we are in an elementary school gymnasium) I start to cry. This may seem irrational to many of you, but this is my second week of diarrhea, and it is something I have been struggling with for at least seven years. My head in my hand and the tears pouring down my face, I feel hopeless. I am never going to feel better again. I have lost over ten pounds since Thanksgiving, and though I didn't mind losing the weight that's NOT the way I wanted to. I just want to curl into a ball and lay on the cold tile floor. But being too aware of the disgusting germs awaiting for me on the floor I sucked it up and faced the music. After missing most of the service I come back, crying and sit next to Husband. "Are you ok?" He whispers, and there you have it, I am sobbing and I just want to lay on his lap and cry and I have to finish this sermon and hopefully learn something that will help. Ironically, the last three services at church are about God's benefits and how he wants and will heal all our diseases, and yes that is scriptural. In fact it is stated in Psalm 103:1-5

"1Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

3who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

4who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

5who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."

So I raise my hand when the Pastor's ask if anyone wants healing, I raise it High, and sob, and blow my nose. I compose myself, and go get my Peanut out of her classroom. I walk back into the gym for the fellowship our church offers, and my niece is standing there, and tells me she has been praying for me to feel better, and I start sobbing again. I am so tired of not feeling well. And she prays for me again. I tell you she is a good little prayer that one! And I walk away feeling better, then I am pulled away to find anew friend and an old friend want to pray for me, and they. Then the Pastor some how sees me crying to Husband, and asks me to come over this week so she can pray. And though my stomach doesn't feel one hundred percent, my spirit sure does. I realize that God put this church and these people in my life, and they feel so much more like a family than my real family ever did. For the first time EVER I feel like I might belong somewhere. Maybe not completely, but to feel there love, is such an incredible blessing. I do walk out every Sunday feeling amazing, and inspired. I found something that most people look for forever. A home, and a better understanding of God, and people who care about me. I love my church. I love the people, and I am so excited to party with these people in heaven for all eternity! Thank God for calling me and my family there!

What a dream

2011-12-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

I guess I want a baby more than I thought. HA! Last night I had a dream and somehow reproduced with an ex-boyfriend, (Which by the way was the scariest part of the dream.) I am not even sure how the reproduction process took place, but it happened, and somehow within a very small time frame, My daughter jumped from newborn to three year old very quickly, and the "father" was not involved.

But Oh was she gorgeous, and the vision of her stays fresh in my mind. She had thick dark brown hair, and big green round eyes. Pale complexion and the most fabulous freckles sprinkled across her nose and cheeks, and when she smiled her eyes twinkled and my heart stopped. She made faces that looked so much like Peanut, and I spent most of my dream just staring at her, and feeling an overwhelming amount of love! At one point she told me I was beautiful like a princess, and I told her she looked like Snow White.

I woke up during the dream, and felt crushed. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream, like so many of us do. It was like she was a part of my life I have been missing!

And now i get to go to a baby shower, with another pregnant friend, and celebrate something that I never get to do again! It is exhaustively defeating. I try to keep telling myself that I have gotten to experience the wonders of pregnancy and child birth, and for that i should just consider myself lucky and blessed. I love my children, and being their mother couldn't be anymore of a blessing. They are kind and loving, and empathetic, and amazing, and I am so grateful for them, and the time I get to spend with them. Is it selfish for me to want another? To have feelings of sadness?

Though I honestly can say, even as I feel like this I am still not angry at Husband, but its hard. I always thought, IF I was going to have children, I would have two girls and a boy. And I am left with an incomplete family. How do you get over this?

Vasectomy Continued....

2011-12-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

After reading the entry that took place almost a year ago, "Vasectomy and tears" I thought maybe I should retouch on the subject. Of course there are times when I still feel sad, especially when three of my friends are having babies very soon, and when they first got pregnant at the same time, I was consumed with jealousy. But do I still hate Husband? Not so much. There are times here and there when I think about it, but the actual feelings of bitterness and resentment have faded. I chose to forgive and try to get over it. After all there really is nothing I can do about any of it, now that it is done!

Does that mean I have let go of all hope of ever having children? No, I haven't, not deep down inside. Which seems ridiculous, being that it probably is NOT going to happen, but Jesus did say, "With man this is impossible, but with God ALL things are possible." So I guess I hold onto the the thought that if God wants us to have another baby, it will be. I mean after all ina few days we are about to celebrate the birth of his son, who was born of a virgin, right?

I will say, when I actually think about what it means to have a newborn, I cringe. I mean what am I thinking. Up every two hours, with to other kids, poopy diapers, crying and not knowing what's wrong, throwing up. Diaper bags, and infant car seats. I'm good. So is it just that i want another because I can't? Or is that just part of being a woman. And eternal need to pro create? I can't say what the answer to that is for sure.

But I can say that marriages can be restored after something that horrible, and that betraying. Yes, I did feel betrayed. And sometimes I feel betrayed still, but I have two beautiful children, and we can afford to do great things with them, and get them gifts, and spoil them. We can let them play the sports they want or take dance classes, and let's face it, Two is easier. I think Husband should have waited until we both came to an absolute decision, TOGETHER, but I do think he thought he was making the best decision for our family. At least now I can look at it like that!

Far too long, once again!

2011-12-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

Though I have been dying to write, I have to be honest and say the reason I haven't been, is simply because .... I couldn't remember my password... Ha! I know, I am ridiculous!

It's been almost a year since I have written. So much has changed yet so much has remained the same! I am about as "over" the vasectomy as I am probably ever going to be. I go through moments of relief that i will never have to go through labor, or sleepless nights feeding a baby, and then I go through yearning, because I still want one more. Even if it would be awful. A little girl I would name Ava Lorraine! But hey that's life, and vasectomy or not, if God wants me to have another, I will!

My little peanut is about to turn four in a week. We have come a long way from wiping poop on the walls, to speaking Spanish, (thanks to Dora and Diego!)

The husband and I are doing well, we are learning to manage our money! (HA!) We are trying to learn... What a struggle that can be, but I suppose that is one of things about going from selfish 21 year olds, to "responsible parents within a year of meeting each other. Its a process and we are learning from it!

So what is new? My faith in God. I'm sure I have mentioned God once or twice before, (I hope more than that) And if I haven't, shame on me! But recently we have moved to a new church that feels like a family, and are learning just what it actually means to be a christian. And no it doesn't mean, easy, or being judgemental. In fact it is the opposite. But I am excited to learn more about God's plan. I am ready to put all things into his hands and give my life to and for him! It is exciting!

Over the summer Husband and I were baptized again! During my brief but HILARIOUS speech... lol. I had mentioned how much I HATED bible pushers. Oh and I did. I couldn't stand them, passing on their judgmental beliefs, and who were they to tell me anything I do is wrong. I went to church, I prayed, I taught my kids about God, I was kind and generous, I truly believed in God, I even tried to read the Bible... once. I was alright! Deep down inside I wasn't sure if I was "really" saved, but I was pretty sure. And then I was given a book! "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I started to read it, and over the next forty days, realized how lost I really was. If I was as close to God as I thought I was, I shouldn't have been feeling empty or like there was more to life than what I was getting. I should have been satisfied, or on my way to being satisfied.

During the forty days, I also realized I wasn't getting the things I needed at my recent church. Mostly fellowship. We had gone there since Sweet Face was in womb, but I didn't know anyone, so that's almost seven years, or almost eight. (So I can't count, who cares) It was after she gave the book, my niece, started pushing her church on me. I just kept saying, "Leave me alone, I am not going to your freaky church!" But one Sunday morning, Sweet Face and I were awake alone, and decided to try it... We walked in and Sweet Face went to the classroom he was to be in, and I went to the sermon. Oh how I hated it. I saw a few people I had gone to school with and just wanted to get out of there before they saw me, but Sweet Face insisted on stopping to say Hi to be people. (A much kinder soul than his momma) So when an old friend of mine saw me, she ran over, "Did you like it, Do you think you will come back?" To which I respond with no emotion on my face, "I got a lot out of it, but no, I won't be back." And I left. I went home and told husband how I was pretty sure it was a cult, it was insane. People jumping up and down, and waving their arms, as if they were antennas, and it was going to give them better reception to God or something! INSANE

Then next Sunday came, and Sweet Face refused to go into his classroom at our usual church. What an odd thing for him to do, he has been going there since birth and has never given me a hard time, NEVER! He wanted to go back to "his" church. So after a fifteen minute battle and a promise to go back, he went in.

Since I try hard to never break a promise to my kids, we did eventually go back to the freak show of a church, and Husband HATED it. But the second time, I thought, "Huh, it wasn't as bad as I thought, and the kids LOVED it!" SO we went again, then again, then again. And this March will be a year that we have been going, and we have only missed two Sundays. I love the Pastor's, and the people. I read my Bible everyday. I even memorized Bible verses. Husband is applying God's Word into his own life, and the kids show much fire for God it is inspiring. I know raise my antennas up, while I sing at the top of my lungs. I pray all day long, and I believe in so much more than I even knew I could. I our lives are transforming!

Do I still sin? Ahhh yeah! I lose my patience and yell at poor Peanut for being a kid. I still have fear, and anxiety, but now I am equipped to handle it. I have even apologized to my mother and grandmother in law for all the hurt I have caused THEM. HA! I have a hard time keeping my "christian face" on all the time, and I still complain. But now I have God's amazing grace on my side, and his forgiveness!

Our lives have changed so much, that even my family is going, and they have been saved! God is good!

Ben Harper and Jack Johnson.."Two Hands"

2011-01-01T06:41:00.001-08:00

I can change the world with my own two hands,

Make it a better place, with my own two hands

Make it a kinder place with my own two hands,

With my own, with my own, two hands

I can make peace on earth, with my own two hands,

I can clean up the earth, with my own two hands,

I can reach out to you, with my own two hands,

With my own, with my own, two hands.

With my own, with my own, two hands,

I'm gonna make it a brighter place, with my own two hands,

I'm gonna make it a safer place, with my own two hands,

I'm gonna help the human race, with my own two hands,

With my own, with my own, two hands,

with my own , with my own two hands,

I can hold you, in my own two hands,

And I can comfort you, with my own two hands,

But you got to use, use your own two hands,

Use your own, use your own two hands,

use your own, use your own, two hands,

With our own, with our own two hands,

with our own, with our own two hands,

With my own, with my own two hands.

Good ridden 2010

2011-01-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

I am starting this brand new year with high hopes. I already feel like 2011 is going to be better, and is going to bring lots of good things. I have never been so excited for a new year to begin, nor as optimistic. I hope to stay this positive through out the year starting something new within my self. Last night was spent with my brother his wife, and their two kids, and of course my mother. They left early and I got to lay around with my husband and children. And though Not As Good had a migraine and fell asleep and Sweet Face had a belly ache from too many Doritos, I still was happy to be bringing in the New Year with the people I love the most. They say whatever you are doing when the New Year rings in, that is what your year will be like. That's fine with me, I let go of 2010 last night, I said my goodbyes. Goodbye to my bitterness and feelings of resentment, goodbye to Peanut's tantrums, goodbye to Sweet Face's depression, goodbye to Nana's cancer, and I am saying hello to enjoying life, and appreciating time with my loved ones. Hello to being grateful for God and his love, no matter how it comes, in hard times or easy. I am thankful for life i have been given and it is time I start acting that way. That is not to say I will be writing all gooey and positive stuff, I am human and I still hate poop. God given or not!

I will continue to be "real" throughout 2011. Hopefully I won't have to be real about poopy stuff, but let's be realistic, it's still life!

So hello 2011 and good ridden 2010... May the best days of the last year be the worse of the year to come! Happy New Year!

More boo- hoo's

2010-12-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

I always believed that some day my wirting would help at least one person not feel so lonely. Which us one of the reasons I try to be brutally honest, even with my private life.

This "vasectomy" thing has really thrown me through a loop. I am so sad all of the time, and even when I do my favorite activities, like shopping, I come across the cutest baby clothes and it's everything I have not to cry. I feel like I have lost a child, a miscarriage. And having had one I do know what that feelis like. But this particular miscarriage is forever!

I continue to mourn for my unborn children, for the chance to ever have another, and yet this whole time I didn't want anymore..... yet! I guess I always though when Sweet Face was older, like eleven or so, I would have another baby. I don't know why I pictured my life that way, but I did, and now faced with the reality that it is NEVER going to happen.

Now many people have pointed out that vasectomy's are reversable, but we aren't going to do something like that. I know my husband and he would never. I just can't stop feeling like this was a huge mistake.

I don't even know what to do with myself, and I feel ridiculous feeling this way, or talking about it. I feel like it has ruined my marriage, and talking to Not As Good doesn't seem to do any good. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand what I am feeling.

So where do I go from here? Has anyone ever felt this way? Does aynone relate? I feel truly alone!

Vasectomy, and tears

2010-12-29T16:36:00.000-08:00

To all of my dedicated fans, (Insert Sacrasm) A sincere apology for letting too much time surpass since my last entry. Holidays seem to bring out the.... most depressed me. The stress of gifts and the extreme pressure of finding one that is going to make your in laws FINALLY love you. (Obviously I know that isn't going to work, but isn't that why we try so hard?) And of course My little Peanut's birthday is right before Christmas, so on top of all of this, Not As Good gets laid off, and decides he is going to get a vasectomy on December 23. The day before Christmas Eve, without really discussing it with me.

Let me be clear. Not As Good and I have talked about him getting a vasectomy for quite some time, but it is usually followed up by discussion having another child. So obviously I am quite indessissive. Being that is the case I think nothing permanebt should be done, but Not As Good keeps scheduling these appointments... and never showing up. So when he comes home from a side job one Friday, and says, "I have an appointment on Monday to discuss a vasectomy." I don't think much of it, but make sure he understands that I don't want him to get one. Monday comes and Not As Good actually goes to the appointment. As I try to wrap my head around it and get a grip on my feelings, I receive a call. Not As Good is on the other line ready to inform me that he is absolutely getting vasectomy and it is going to happen THIS Thursday... (Which happens to be last Thursday)

My head and my heart start spinning. How can he do this? Why so fast? What if I want another baby? Now, I know that I don't want another one, but being that I am only a month shy of twenty nine, I might want one later in life. And if he can't give me one, I know I am NOT the type of person who can let go of the bitterness and the blame! It will, without a doubt, destroy our marriage. I cried for two days, Tuesday and Wedensday went by too fast. I yelled and screamed and promised him I would make life terrible, if he went through with it. I guarenteed I would not be there to support him, and that it would not be forgiven. I begged and pleaded. I even offered sex anytime for life if he just didn't do it.

Thursday came and he was determined. I arranged for a babysitter, and of course I took him. Still not happy, but unwilling to not support him in this decision. We pulled up to the office and I turned to him, "Please don't do this. I really think this is a mistake!" "I don't want anymore kids, and I am going to do it" It was all I could do to not run into that room and kick the doctor in the face to get him away from my husband, but I stayed composed.

He comes out of the room wobbly but a smile, and I just want to curl into a ball and die. Since then, I haven't felt the same way about him, or my life. I feel like I am in cinstant mourning, and I am not even sure why. I suppose I am mourning the possibilitiy of any of my unborn children. The fear of my possible divorce. The emptiness in my gutt. All this and I didn't even want anymore children. I cry once a day, as if I actually lost something, I don't even know what to do, or how to act....

I have never been more confused...

If you have any reservations about making it impossible to have more children, do NOT do it! Hopefully it gets better with time, but I feel as though we are going to regret it!

By the way Not As Good, is doing fine. The "wounds" seem to be healing well! Just in case there were any concerns!

2010-12-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

As I gripped my comforter in my sweat pants and read the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, I realized I have much to look forward to in my life.

My dreams of writing haven't been squelched by anything but myself, and a career in it isn't impossible, just postponed. Someday my kids will be grown, and I can travel the world. Someday I will go back to school, and graduate. Someday I will have grand children. The possibilties are endless, and I am on the receiving end of it!

I have also come to realize that I am who and where I am supposed to be. God had a plan and I am fulfilling my purpose as of now. To raise these amazingly wonderful children to the best of my ability. It may not be what I planned for my life, or even wanted, but it is a good life, and I am lucky, or better yet blessed to be able to have it! Someday I am confident that I will have the life I had thought I would have, but first this is my job!

To love these children that God handpicked me to be the mother of. To teach them and to learn from them. To care and be the best at... To love my husband, and to let him love me. I know that my family was placed in my life on purpose, it was not by chance. They were chosen for me, as I was them

I love being a mom, I love my husband, and my children, next to God, they are the most important things in my life. My world completely revolves around them, and I guess that is how I get lost. I suppose it is an insult to God to be unhappy with the life he has given. Truth is, at least I have life. I have all of my limbs, and use of them, I can smile, I can laugh. I am not starved, I have all of the things I could ever need and most of the time I have what I want. Who am I to deserve more than that? The audasity of thinking that somehow I cheated out of a more glorious life, and here i am with so many blessings, it's ballsy of me to complain! I have more love in my life than most people get, and I am unhappy? I have what others only dream of, I am sorry that I have been so foolish!

2010-12-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

I find myself longing for more out of my life. There is an empty gap staring at me through out my entire day. I can usually keep the blackness if it at bay by keeping myself busy. Running errands, kissing the kids, shopping, and more recently, and more often, eating. Then night falls and I put off going to bed at night for as long as possible by cleaning, or watching T.V. until untill I can no longer hold open my eyes. Then I go... I lay there and get so overwhelmed with emptiness, and unfullfillment that I can't sleep at all.

My soul is crying out in desperation. It yearns for something more than being a mother, a wife, daughter, or friend. In all of those titles, not one actually dexcribes who I am, just waht. I'm lost in a sea of should be's. I am doggy paddling as who i am supposed to be, just barely passing through the massive waters.

There was once a time when I swam with forceful, confident strokes, now I am cosantly gaping for air. Most of the time the water is so far above my head, I just want to give up...

How did I get so lost and incomplete?

I do love my life, or at least I know I should! I have wonderful children, who give me more love, and patience, and caring that I could ever ask for. An amazing husband that works hard to give me everything I need and want, both emotionally, and finacially. I have good friends, and great family, yet I feel the constant presence of my empty loneliness. I don't understand it, nor how to change. I have come to realize that I can't do it on my own, that ihave to turn it over to a higher power, and ask God for help... That's all I can do!

Birthing 101

2010-12-02T05:42:00.000-08:00

March 28, 2005. Fifty-five pounds heavier, three days over due, and ankles that were ready to pop, I opened the front door to the building that holds my future in the palm of its hands, and wobbled down the hall. Pressing the buttons on the rattling elevator, I began sweating in agony. I just wanted it to be over, to regain my life, my body, my mind. I just wanted to move on with my life, and get back to being normal. `
When they called my name I couldn't help but wish that they would tell me today would be the day. Of course I knew that it was wishful thinking, but who could blame a girl. After I stood on the scale with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, wondering how someone with a size five figure could almost weigh two hundred pounds after nine months, the midwife rudely asks, "Did the nurse step on the scale with you?" Horrified I let this woman proceed to check my cervix fordilation, and go on about how much weight I've gained and how bloated I am. I then find out that I have toxemia....
Soon the midwife finishes insulting me and asks me if there is any reason I should go home. Not being able to think of anything other than the giant love card I was making for Not As Good, I said. "No." "Then let's have this baby!"
Hearing those words was like every Christmas, birthday, Halloween, first kiss, and bear hugs all in one. Only better. Finally this baby was coming out. All of the fears of child birth I had previously had disappeared, now all I felt was excitement. I couldn't wait to meet my son, I couldn't wait to not Be pregnant, I couldn't wait to start my family with the love of my life.
I registered and waited for Not As Good. Eating my last meal until after birth, I remembered how horrible this was about to be. All I wanted now was to go back ten months and tell myself not to be so stupid. I mean I spent twenty two years not getting pregnant, why was I so ignorant this year? I'm not ready to be a mom. I can't even take care of myself. I am selfish, and I like it. I had no desire to improve myself, I was happy with the person I was, prior to conceiving. I began to realize how bad of an idea it really was for two people who just started adulthood, to have a baby. But it was too late. What could I do about it now... "Would someone please give me a Valium and a sleeping pill"
Of course I couldn't have a Valium, however I could have some cerviadil, to thin out my cervix, and a sleeping pill. Three o'clock in the morning I began to get this weird cramps. I just kept thinking if I could pass gas at least once, my stomach would feel so much better. And enters the nurse. "Looks like you are having some good ones" "Good what?" I replied. "Contractions" The next thing I know I am flipped on my side and getting a shot in my ass... Apparently passing out immediately, I wake up to Not As Good's alarm clock and tell him to go to work. After all the doctor said it would probably be hours before I gave birth. Them again she told me that it was unlikely that i would go into labor on my own, without pitocin, but what did I know, i was just having a baby, she's delivered hundreds.
My mother and father stayed with me, while my contractions grew. Around ten thirty a different, sending my parents away, decided to break my water. With no warning aside from, "you'll feel gushing fluid" I most certainly did feel a gush of fluid, but unaware that it would be so warm it almost burnt. Alarmed I asked if it should feel that way, and of course as they laughed at me under there breathe I was told that everything was alright and asked if I wanted to use the hot tub.
I layed in the hot tub in a hospital gown. Jets blowing against my back and sides. With every growing contraction the sound of voices made me sick to my stomach. Daddy wouldn't come in; thinking he would have to see me naked, but for the first time in my life, I really needed and wanted his support. So with fear in his eyes then relief on his face after discovering I was with apparel, he came in and kept me company with my mom. Contractions came and went, grasping the side rails I decided to beach myself. After all, I was hungry, nauseous, in pain, tired, and now hot. I was ready to go lay down. My parents went outside to have cigarettes, because apparently my labor was stressing them out! Walking down the hall with strong contractions every two minutes took me about a half an hour.
When I finally got to my room, the nurse asked if I wanted something to ease the pain. I was under the impression that this would get worse and last awhile so I said no. But the next thing I remember my head was feeling heavy and I felt like I drank three bottles of whiskey. At first I thought it was cool, but after my next contraction I just wanted to throw up and have someone turn it off.
Eleven o'clock came and the nurses informed me that if I wanted the babies dad to be there for the birth I had better give him a call? What? They told me I had at least twenty four hours, we need that money. But I did as I was told, and soon after began to prep for an epidural.
Ahhh, epidurals. What a heavenly aide. I know that many women out there give birth and never even think of having drugs, but I am no hero, why do it if you don't have to.
The epidural was in and not really knowing what to expect, (I lied and said I read the paper saying what to expect, I knew if I read it I would chicken out) I layed back, and prepared to see my contractions and not feel them... Well, the contraction came, and of course, because this is my life, I felt nothing..... On the left side of my body. On the right I felt everything. I rang for the nurse and asked if that was normal. "No!!! (you moron, she implied)" It wasn't.
I asked why this had happened. It was explained to me that it couldn't have been the anesthesiologists fault, it had to be because my back is crooked, but they would soon correct my mistake! The man with the needle came back in my room to adjust. After pulling it out, he had tore due the hole procedure again. Feeling pretty good due to my stadal, I preceded to hit on the man. I told him he was good looking and asked if he was married, and then glancing to my right, MY man walked int o the room. Too drugged up to feel embarrassed I told Not As Good I was hitting on the anesthesiologists, he smiled and laughed nervously. (I don't think he believed me)
Everyone, my mom, my dad, my mom's friend, and my sister came back into the room.The nurse checked my cervix and told me I wasdilated to a six.Completely exhausted I looked up at my mommy and smiled. Closing my eyes I drifted into what would be the last peaceful moment of my life, for years to come. Twenty minutes later at about 2:45 p.m. I woke up. I felt this weird urge... Not exactly and urge, but like my vagina was already working to get this baby out, without my knowledge or permission. I called for the nurse and she came in, unwilling to believe that I was already at a ten when twenty minutes ago I was a six.
As nurse Sharon's head peaked up,from out of my legs, I gasped noticing the blood on her hands. I was indeed a ten, well technically a 9.75. I was informed that if I tried to push now I would be there for hours, so to hang tight and the midwife would be sure to come. As the nurse started to leave I began to ring the bell. This baby was coming with or without their help, and I didn't seem to have any control over it. They got the room ready immediately and the midwife showed up.
The next twenty minutes were a blurr. I remember them telling me to push and as I would push everyone kept saying, "That's it. That's it" Leaving me with the impression that I got the enormous head that felt like it was going to tear me apart out of my vaginal walls. That was not the case. Upon hearing the news that I wasn't even close to finished, I yelled, "Then everyone needs to shut the fuck up!" Then Not As Good did it. He rubbed the leg he was holding at my head, with his thumb. I though his touch was going to make me vomit. I looked at him with red eyes and a green face, "Don't touch me" Searching for the barf bucket, my retarded baby's dad moved again, he dropped my leg, and all I heard was my mother's very powerful voice, yell sternly, "pick up her leg you retard." (Poor Not As Good didn't have a chance)
As I finally pushed the last few pushes, and yelling, "Get this baby out of me NOW" He plopped right out. Not As Good looked down and said, "Oh my God" He was here. Our baby boy.
Here's the part where every mother says things like, "They put my amazing gift on my belly and I cried with joy. My heart was immediately filled with love as I looked at my beautiful baby boy. From that moment I felt an internal instinct and loved him so much" Well I am not every mother. That just wasn't the case for me. They put my baby on my belly all wrinkled and covered in mung. His eyes were huge and wide open and they were as black as night. His nose was swollen and crooked, It looked huge. He was purple and had virtually no fat on his entire body. He was not beautiful and I did not feel a connection. I did cry but I was glad it was over. I will say that I loved him, I just wasn't connected.
They took him away and told I could see him after I get to my room. After kicking everyone out, I got cleaned up. I took a shower and put on my "after birth" diaper, and went to my room. My legs were swollen, my cankles were sore, and my feet were so big that my once slender long toes, looked like little fat sausages. The pediatrician came intothe room were me and our family were waiting to see the new life that scared the crap out of me, and told us that we couldn't see him, because he had to be on oxygen, due to extra fluid in his lungs. But the father and the grandparents could go see him. I had to wait for the epidural to be taken out of my back before I could go anywhere!
The next three days were long. I wanted my baby, but appreciated the rest I was getting. When I finally got to hold Sweet Face I cried. I felt so many emotions.. I felt scared, nervous, I didn't even know this kid, but was supposed to feel connected. And so the guilt began.
I later found out that I had a severe case of post partum depression. And a month or two later I began to adore Sweet Face. But it was a rough couple before I did... And that note I will leave with the understanding that I still adore Sweet Face, he's my light. My once in a lifetime. I feel soconnected now. And I will write about my fight against the post partum depression, but I would like to leave this as his birth and nothing more!

Who am I?

2010-11-23T08:33:00.001-08:00

Of course, this will be an introduction post, probably more formal then funny.. Sorry! I am a stay at home mom (I use the term"stay at home" term very loosely) to two amazing children! They are absolutely the best things that have ever happened to me. They bring more joy and love to my life than I ever thought possible! I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who works extra hard to provide us with what we need, and most of the time the things we want, while I get to spend lots of time with the kiddos... Of course as I write this I realize you are thinking. Get real, isn't nice that her life is so great.. Well it's not. I just want to make sure that I express my grattitude before getting too honest.

Earlier today while talking to an old friend on the phone, while unballing crusty sucks in front of the washing machine, I was asked if I was happy with my life... That question took me back a second, I had to think about it. I mean have I real thoguht about if m life actually made me happy? I know it makes me busy, stressed, loved, concerned, angry, sad, and so many other things, but happy? I wouldn't change it for anything... I have so many great things... but happy... After lots of grunting a somewhat answer, I stopped, and realized that yes, I am happy in my life.. Thank God!

As stated earlier, at least I think I stated it, my children are my life! Sweet Face is 5 years old. He has a speech/language disorder. He is in Kindergarten with seven other kids with the same problem. Some stemming from Autism, or Mr but all the same disorder. Sweet Face as of today, only has the diagnosis of Speech/ language disorder. We searched for years for more answers and that's all we ever end up with. But don't worry we (and by we, I mean me) are still searching! But dumb he is not. This disorder doesn't get in his way that much. Sweet face is so smart that he has taught himself a special way to learn things that completely works for him! Upon meeting him, the language disorder doesn't even seem like an issue, because he is the kindest, most loveing child in the world. He is generous and empathetic. Sometimes I think he can actually feel others emotions. He super cool, and loads of fun. He tells great stories, and when he smiles his eyes have a crazy sparkle, that I am sure could make anyone smile. His amazingness is infectious!

Now Peanut on the other hand, is the smartest kid I have EVER seen, and I have aided in raising many a child! She is scarey smart. She is not far from outsmarting me, for sure, and has already outsmarted her dad, Not As Good! But on top of being crazy smart, she beaustiful, silly, and really funny,. She has an amazing sense of humor! But she is a diva, and lots of times other kids don't want to play with her, but she is more sensiitive than she gets credit for. She is loving, and has one of the biggest hearts... She falls in second only to her Aunt, my sister Bear! Hopefully, it doesn't get her in trouble!

I have many great people in my life, but more people who bring too much drama, but yes, I am happy about my life. And I truly believe that without God, I would have nothing! So as an introduction of myslef, I didn't really give you anything, but a description of my life, but I think after a few more entries, it will become very clear who I am , or atleast the kind of person I am!

I really hope reading this is as enjoyable as writing it will be! Thanks so much for taking a little time to start!